It started today.
Well, it actually started last night, yet we’re still calling it Black Friday because apparently nobody’s gotten around to updating the name yet.
But whenever you opt to head out into the frozen abyss that is American consumerism at its finest, here are a few helpful tips to make your holiday shopping slightly more bearable than a root canal or an elementary school Christmas pageant…
- Remember that Christmas is one day of the year when money specifically can buy happiness. Also Valentine’s Day, weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, Halloween, Easter, and Cinco de Mayo, but most definitely Christmas!
- Credit cards and low interest financing were invented so that your children will know how much that you love them around the holidays.
- Frostbite, hypothermia, angry mob mentality – a dedicated gift giver fears not these things.
- If you have trouble locating the sale items that you want around a given store, don’t give up hope just yet. Next begin your search for other people who did find those sale items and then be prepared to have your Black Friday buddy create a distraction while you snag them from the person’s cart triumphantly.
- Don’t get too worked up about hating the Christmas music you hear as you shop – you’ve still got another five weeks of hating it to go, so pace yourself!
- Never pay more than $2.99 for a toaster.
- Bring a pair of those Groucho glasses with the disguise nose and mustache to elude any pesky Limit 1 per Customer rules.
- Consider gift cards for friends and family who you feel obligated to buy presents for, but not obligated enough to put any actual thought into it.
- You don’t have to be the fastest one in the crowd. Identify those who look like they’ve already had one too many pieces of pumpkin pie and then just leave plates of leftovers around the store to serve as distractions.
- At some point during your shopping expedition, a salesperson will try to convince you that Furbies are making a comeback this year. They are not.