Hanging the stockings, chopping down the tree, baking the cookies – these are all vitally important steps in the celebration of Christmas, but deep down I think we can all agree that by far the most important of all is decorating the house with thousands of sparkling lights to twinkle through the night and help Santa identify which houses he should deliver to first!
Of course, those lights certainly won’t be putting themselves up, so here are a few helpful tips as you’re looking to string those dazzling colors from every rooftop, tree, bush, lamp post, and shrub…
- Don’t fall off the roof.
- Recruit the assistance of someone with plush, pillow-like qualities to break your fall just in case you do fall off the roof.
- Remember that your lighting efforts will be judged based on brightness, charisma, and originality, not the number of broken limbs incurred during the installation process.
- Note that it’s not at all unmanly to delegate any roof-related decorating to your wife who isn’t deathly afraid of balancing fifteen feet up in the air on a steep incline with 20mph winds that would be great for kite flying, except that you’re putting up Christmas lights and not flying kites.
- Invest in one of those robotic claw grabbers on the long pole that aren’t really effective at doing anything but at least will be kind of fun to play with while you’re not getting any lights put up.
- Do favors for really tall guys throughout the year so when it comes time to put up your lights, they totally owe you one.
- Inversely, buy a shorter house. Seriously, what do you need vaulted ceilings for, anyways?! You’re not Robert Wadlow, the world’s tallest person in recorded history – stop pretending that you are…
- Do you even really like Christmas all that much??? Ok, just checking.
But seriously, just be really, really careful when you’re up on that roof, ok? 10,000 people die of roof-related tragedies while putting up their Christmas lights every minute of every day and these injuries are very much preventable. Nobody is quite sure how, and even if we did we’d probably still climb up there anyways, but the important thing is that you’ve got a really awesome display that can be seen from space on a clear night!
Broken bones will heal, wounded egos will be egg-nogged into obscurity, and at the end of it all, it just wouldn’t be Christmastime without at least one trip to the ER, now would it?