They say, “Never look a gift horse in the mouth.”
Nobody really knows what it means, but they always say it with an air of authority without ever considering the notion that maybe you didn’t actually want a horse for Christmas in the first place!
Well the holidays are over and it’s near time to get back to our normal, mundane drudgery and if there’s one thing that said drudgery doesn’t have room for, it’s unwanted Christmas gifts…
- There’s no time like the present! Start sorting your gifts into crap / actually worthwhile piles right when you’re first opening them to save valuable time and to give your relatives something to aspire for next year.
- No gift receipt? Politely hand the gift back to its giver and tell them, “I’m sorry – I didn’t mean to take this from you until you were done giving it yet.”
- Note that it is customary to apply a nominal 15% inconvenience fee when returning or exchanging an unwanted gift – feel free to passive aggressively collect this by simply taking it off the next thing that you buy for them in return.
- Never underestimate the potential for re-gifting! A good parent buys their kid’s crappy gifts from them at a modest price and then gives them back to unsuspecting classmates in the following year to come – everybody wins! (except for said unsuspecting classmates)
- Don’t worry about being deemed “rude” for returning someone’s gift – on the contrary, they should be the one who feel bad for not knowing you well enough to get you something that’s not horrible in the first place!
- It’s a common myth that you can’t return a gift that was homemade by the gift-giver – simply sneak into their house when they’re away and see just how long those stupid, handmade doilies stay on their tray tables.
- In the case of baked goods such as stale Christmas cookies and anything resembling fruitcake, a few months “lost” behind the couch should remove any guilt of just throwing that crap away come spring cleaning.
- In the event that a gift giver specifically asks about the absence of their beloved gift in your home upon future visits, the correct answer is always, “It’s being cleaned.” Doesn’t matter whether it was an ugly, handmade sweater, a food processor, or a fruitcake … it’s being cleaned.