It’s almost that time again! Time to drop gigantic, geodesic spheres covered in crystals from the heavens to usher in another year of humanity on this earth as we know it … so are you ready to party like it’s 1999 + 15 = 2014?!
Seriously, how has nobody made a newer crappy new years song since that abomination by Prince back at the turn of the century???
Until that day comes, here are some tips to help your celebration be as apocalyptically boogielicious as it can be…
- Practice in advance with flashcards to ensure that you’re not that guy who gets the countdown wrong in all of the excitement.
- Challenge all of your friends to take a shot for every year on the calendar. Can you finish all 2,014 shots before the ball drops???
- Can’t make it to Times Square? Simulate the experience in your own home by gathering thirty-five random strangers in your bathroom and blasting Lady Gaga for five hours leading up to the final countdown!
- Resolve to make some resolutions for the new year in an attempt to better yourself – those are always really popular.
- The word champagne can be pronounced any way that you want.
- Don’t forget to gargle just before midnight – nobody wants to ring in the new year kissing a girl with cocktail weenies on her breath.
- If you’re lighting off your own fireworks, remember that the more you buy, the better your new year will be! It isn’t a celebration until your neighbor’s dog has taken up residence in their closet and there are burn marks on your driveway that will last until Easter.
- And above all, remember that when the clock strikes midnight and confetti is in the air, all outstanding warrants, parking tickets, restraining orders, and gambling debts are immediately wiped clean from your record. Happy New Year!!!