The Michigan State Senate recently passed a bill that would penalize families receiving financial assistance in instances where their children are deemed chronically truant from school, and while HB 4041 is a nice start for punishing the state’s poor at a time when they likely need a helping hand the most, we think that there are still more opportunities to marginalize and emphasize the inferiority of these lower class members of society that legislators definitely are going to want to consider…
- Residents not receiving welfare to be given a special buzzer that will automatically deduct $5 from the benefits of any welfare recipient who looks like they might spend their benefits on frivolous things that they don’t deserve.
- All welfare recipients will be required to wear special hats bearing either a bold “M” or “S” to publicly declare how moronic or stupid they’ve been with their own personal finances.
- Anyone who thinks that they’re going to Michigan’s Adventure while they’re on public assistance can just forget it.
- Great Lakes privileges will be limited to Lakes Huron, Erie, and Ontario, with the Greater Great Lakes of Michigan and Superior thus reserved for more responsible Michiganders.
- Recipients of food benefits will each be assigned a judgmental personal shopper to help encourage good grocery shopping techniques through the powerful motivator that is shame.
- Selected at random during the bleak, summertime months, 41,574 welfare recipients will be required to sit through an entire Detroit Tigers home game prior to receiving their checks.
- Those currently unable to find work will be required to watch a minimum of 20 hours of Pure Michigan ads narrated by Tim Allen each week.
- Copies of the 1993 survival movie Alive will be distributed during Michigan’s coldest months just to, you know, maybe there are some good ideas from that story that they could put to use…