Anyone lucky enough to have allergies pretty much considers spring to be the worst time of the year to exist.
Though to other plants pollen is the lifeblood that makes reproduction amongst the flowers and vegetables possible, the human nose is very much neither marigold nor cucumber, thus instead for many resulting in the types of sneezy, runny noses and watery eyes that send Kleenex stockholders giddy to the bank.
Of course, your well-immunized friends at Just Laugh are happy to help, so here are some things for you to try and remember about allergies…
- Seasonal allergies are God’s way of saying, “I don’t want you to breathe without producing three buckets of mucus a day.”
- If you happened to be a bee and had allergies, now that would be even worse! So be grateful you’re not a bee…
- Remember Bee Movie starring Jerry Seinfeld that came out a few years ago? Be grateful you’re not that bee, either – that movie was horrible.
- According to WebMD, one of the best ways to tame your allergies is to “go on vacation to someplace else during the peak of pollen season.” It’s shit like that why nobody takes WebMD seriously.
- On the other hand, if you’ve got a guy at work that you just can’t stand and he has allergies, pollinating his cubicle would be a great way to get a couple weeks of peace and quiet. Or you might kill him – potato, potatoe.
- Consider wearing a simple paper bag over your head – this same technique used to isolate ugly people from the rest of the population can also be quite effective at protecting your nose and mouth from unwanted pollens.
- If you’re the kind of person who enjoys frequently puncturing your flesh with tiny, metallic spears, allergy shots may be right up your alley.
- And if nothing else, keep in mind that with every miserable sneeze, every soul-wrenching sniffle, you yourself help to further spread the very seeds of life that plague your own sinuses like the fires of a thousand suns. Much like the mighty winds that carry the pollens of a new generation, so too may your own snotty spittle serve a greater good to sow Mother Earth’s greatest treasures for one day a new generation of allergic persons to cough and sneeze over in turn, as is the great circle of life as it were written.