Humor Blog Highlights

Just Laugh’s Guide to Celebrating the 4th of July on the Wrong Fucking Day

© Olesya Shelomova / Dollar Photo Club

One would think that the weekend would be pretty much perfect for celebrating our nation’s independence, yet many communities around the country continue to honor the 4th of July on either the day before or the day after like they’ve never seen a calendar before in their lives.

Seriously – it’s the only federal holiday that actually has a number in the name of the holiday, and yet each year thousands of people gather for their 4th of July celebrations filled with picnics and parades and fireworks on the 3rd of July or the 5th of July like a bunch of fucking morons.

Should we be happy that they managed to even get the month right and just let ’em slide on the actual date???

Perhaps, but nonetheless, we want to ensure that they have a safe and happy holiday too – whenever the hell they decide to celebrate the thing – so we here at Just Laugh have put together a special kind of list for that special kind of someone who might very well choose to celebrate a day like the 4th of July on a day that very much isn’t the 4th of July

  • Start off your day by putting one foot into each shoe. Don’t try to put both of them into just one – they won’t fit.
  • When eating, use your fork and spoon to help transport the food to that hole in your head where your tongue sticks out of.
  • Great for parades – your hand moving back and forth through the air can serve as a signal to gain the attention of those whom you admire.
  • Water balloons are a cool way to have some fun on a hot summer’s day – to make them, take some balloons, fill them with water, then tie and throw!
  • To help carry larger amounts of food than your fork and spoon can hold, try using a picnic basket to hold your entire family’s meal until you’re ready to put it into your mouths.
  • Don’t forget to take a few moments during your day to show your appreciation for your country, the USA – which stands for the United States of America – which is where you live.
  • Sparklers can be a great activity for children of all ages to wind down the day – just don’t touch the sparkly part because sparkly = ouchy.
  • And please, for the safety of yourself but more importantly those around you, don’t even bother trying to set off actual fireworks by yourself…
About Scott Sevener (568 Posts since 2001)
The Co-Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Just Laugh, Scott writes about the random things in life that amuse him - from the miracle of childbirth to the bologna sandwich he just ate for breakfast. He currently resides in Tampa, FL with a girl, a baby, and a dog that never shuts the hell up.