Now that the United States has finally caught up with the rest of the free world by extending marriage rights equally to both straight and gay citizens alike, we know that some people have questions regarding how this whole thing is going to work.
Mind you, not all of us have questions and often times these questions are demeaning or borderline disgusting, but for the sake of clarity in our newly unified nation of love and rainbows, Just Laugh would like to take a moment to answer a few of those questions in what could quite possible be our most important guide of this generation…
So the gays can marry now – what’s next?
Matching tuxes, gaudy wedding arrangements, and an open bar.
I don’t want to have to explain to my kids why two dudes are holding hands.
Ok. Not really a question, but dudes have been legally allowed to hold hands for quite some time now.
Am I going to be forced to participate in gay weddings?
Yes – just as before all American citizens were required to attend a minimum of two heterosexual weddings each year, that total has now been increased to three to include one homosexual wedding. Again, open bar, though…
Can I marry my dog?
Wait – what?! No – marriage still exists only between two consenting adults and licking peanut butter off of your balls does not count as consent for your dog any more than it does when another human being does it for you.
Will I be forced to bake cakes for gay weddings?
It depends – are you in the business of selling wedding cakes or is it some sort of bizarre judgmental bakery where you assess each of your customers’ worthiness before bestowing upon them your holy baked goods?
Does this mean that those awful gay pride parades will finally stop?
Doubtful, but you’re welcome to stay home huddled in the corner with your fingers in your ears if you think it will help.
I just think that our country is going to hell in a handbag…
Again, not a question, but I get it – being an American just isn’t the same if the guy standing next to you is afforded all of the same rights that you are. That said, there are still lots of countries where being gay is all out illegal – Iran, Algeria, Malaysia – so that might be something to think about…
Will my own marriage somehow be affected by gay marriage?
It could. Gay couples have been known to invite themselves into the bedrooms of heterosexual couples for periodic hazing, but it’s mostly just pillow fights and extended Glee marathons so you’ll probably be fine.
But isn’t GOD against gay marriage?!
Why can’t gay people just keep their lifestyles to themselves and leave me alone?
Now they can.