The time-honored tradition of scaring the holy hell out of ourselves goes all the way back to the very first chainsaw-wielding maniacs who greeted the pilgrims when they landed on Plymouth Rock in 1620, half of whom were thrilled just to see dry land regardless of said chainsaws and the rest who were already dead, but probably served as pretty convincing ghosts or something…
Nearly 400 years later, today some people now go so far as to craft entire houses comprised primarily of fear and cobwebs, and although you sure as hell won’t find us voluntarily stepping foot inside anyplace that seeks the amusement of making us collectively crap our pants, if you’re crazy and therefore into that sort of thing, here are a few simple guidelines to keep in mind if you want to make it out alive.
- You probably won’t make it out alive.
- Should you feel implored to run and hide like a little girl, do it like Scooby-Doo would with your arms and legs spinning frantically – the ghouls and ghosts will appreciate the effort before they inevitably catch you anyways.
- Remember that although ghosts aren’t actually real, ghouls, spectres, and poltergeists aren’t to be fucked with at all.
- If you happen to hear the sound of a chainsaw being revved up, just go ahead and die right there on the spot – studies show that dismemberment is far less painful when you’re already dead.
- Don’t touch things. Like, anything.
- Hum the tune to Thriller with your friends to help distract yourselves from the undead grabbing incessantly for your ankles.
- Stay hydrated. It’s really just a good rule of thumb for staying alive in general.
- And lastly, if you rightfully fear death and the oogie-boogies like a normal person, try one of these alternative venues for a much safer Halloween experience…
- the zoo
- the grocery store
- hiding under a pile of blankets in your closet
- an abandoned wood shed
- your local cemetery
- the scented oils section of Bed, Bath & Beyond
- Hell … but only because you’re a really bad person, not because it’s all scary and whatnot