Who doesn’t love a good cheeseburger?!
Not any pre-diabetic, red-blooded American that I know of, that’s for sure! Eating a cheeseburger is man’s way of appreciating cows for both their meat and the milk that they create before we ultimately kill them for their meat, and if you just so happen to have an equal hatred for assorted vegetables, too, then you really can’t go wrong with this tasty treat that’s totally going to clog your arteries and kill you one day!
But today is not that day (probably), my friends, so join us in celebrating what could possibly be the best holiday since National Chocolate Malt Day with these fine tips for making the most of this dangerously exciting American phenomenon…
- Remember that eating a cheeseburger the size of a small house cat is perfectly acceptable as long as you order it with a Diet Coke.
- Nobody really likes lettuce and tomatoes, but you look like even more of a fat ass if you ask for extra bacon in place of them.
- And what’s the deal with sesame seeds??? Some buns have ’em, some don’t – it’s madness!
- Plan for the future – consider setting aside a few dollars when you buy each hamburger for your doctor’s co-pay that is pretty much inevitable.
- For a personal touch, ask your waitress for the name of the cow that gave its life for the 15 minutes of happiness you’re about to enjoy.
- Whenever your ketchup is in a glass bottle, it’s customary to slide it across the table like a total badass just like The Fonz would’ve done.
- Believe it or not, it’s common in other parts of the world to not eat dead cows slathered in ketchup and secret sauce, so be glad that you live in America where we don’t care about that kind of shit.
- At least you’re not eating a breakfast sandwich featuring syrup-injected pancakes for the bun – now that would be taking it too far…