Halloween isn’t for everyone.
Sunday school teachers, the recently widowed, people without teeth – just to name a few. But unlike those thugs with Christmas and St. Patrick’s Day, nobody’s forcing you to celebrate Halloween, so if trick or treating and dressing up all sexy and America’s favorite tribute to The Great Pumpkin simply aren’t your thing, there are plenty of other bountiful ways to spend your time over the next couple of otherwise spooky, scary days!
Just to help get the ball rolling, you could…
- Organize your linen closet, with linens being a fancy way of saying towels and sheets.
- Eat the 47 bags of Halloween candy that you bought with no intention of handing out.
- Re-watch all 86 episodes of Saved by the Bell and marvel at how relevant Zack and Screech’s adventures around Bayside still are today.
- Huddle in the corner between the hours of 7:30 – 10:00 pm Saturday night while reciting your annual mantra, “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts… I ain’t afraid of no ghosts…”
- It’s never too early to start thawing out that holiday turkey!
- Change the batteries in your smoke detectors that you totally neglected to do back on Labor Day, you cringeworthy unsafe sad sack, you…
- Start planning out your Christmas shopping list, and your holiday light display, and what kinds of cookies you’re going to bake, and putting together your 24/7 holiday playlist, and…
- Or simply do the same thing we do every weekend, Pinky – get stoned and look at Internet porn until three o’clock in the morning.