It’s time to watch highly-talented professional athletes throw the old pigskin around again, and if you’re anything like me, nothing beats the excitement and the anticipation each week as teams battle it out for the big trophy during Tuesday Night Football!
The air is electric, the Johnsonville Brats are plump and delicious as always, and the women are off shopping for shoes or something as we boys gather around to watch such greats as the Miami Tornados, the Los Angeles Browncoats, and even the legendary New Delaware Chickenhawks fight tooth and nail in a no holds barred death match that is destined to make widows and orphans out of 72 of the 73 teams in this year’s sportsmanship armageddon.
Even though you’re no idiot and know to refrain from watching football for at least one hour after you’ve eaten jello and/or pudding-based desserts, here are some things to keep in mind to ensure that each and every Tuesday you spend from now until April 22nd is The Best Tuesday Night Ever…
- Be aware that if your excitement for football lasts more than four hours, you should contact a medical professional immediately.
- Don’t spend too long wondering why it’s called a football when only one guy on the entire team ever touches the ball with his feet – it’s not like there’s any other sports that do it better anyways.
- Remember your scoring – a field goal is 3 points, a 3-pointer is 37 points, and a grand slam is a delicious way to begin your day at Denny’s.
- Fun Fact: Football players wear mouth guards and helmets to prevent unwelcome embraces out on the field.
- Fun Food Fact: Tuna noodle casserole is the Official Noodle-Based Casserole of the National Football League.
- A common method of engaging in small talk with co-workers the day after Tuesday Night Football is by discussing the incredible skill shown by the cheerleaders in between plays – try it and see for yourself!
- Any person you ever see on TV painted head-to-toe in his team’s colors is a paid actor because no self-respecting human being would ever do that to himself.
- Most sports fans consider their favorite team to be a very personal decision, so don’t be a dick about it if they don’t want to tell you, alright?