Are you ready to do your patriotic duty?
To stand up and have your voice counted?
To unite with your fellow Americans to see that the most qualified candidate for the job is elected to become our next President of the United States?
Election Day, which is definitely this week, is quite possibly the most important day to our democracy, even ahead of National Bikini Day and Talk Like a Pirate Day. It’s so vital, in fact, that we’ve put together this essential guide to ensure that every American takes full advantage of this day so that we don’t have some sort of wild result that nobody could’ve possibly anticipated and/or stomached in the morning…
- Go to your local voting precinct on Election Day, which is definitely this week.
- Don’t allow yourself to get confused by “election frenzy” and vote on the wrong day – last week was pretty nutso with Halloween and all, so we wouldn’t want you to lose your place in the month and make a grave mistake!
- If nobody is there when you arrive, you’re probably just early – no need to panic or riot or start filling out your cabinet with white nationalists and other horsemen of the bigot apocalypse.
- Keep in mind that at least one candidate was worried about the vote being rigged, so if you encounter people walking around claiming that the election is already over and you’re not going to believe who won, it’s probably that rigging thing.
- Don’t believe anything that you read on the Internet. Or watch on TV. Or read in the newspapers, if those are even still around anymore…
- Exit polls are an important way for the news media to make predictions and have things to talk about on TV, so if asked about who you voted for, be sure to just make up the craziest thing you can think of to help boost their ratings during this time of need when really, TV media is the next to go after those dinosaur newspapers finally die off.
- Did we mention that you need to go to the polls today – ON ELECTION DAY – to vote for President of the United States … which is definitely this week?! They’re also going to ask you about County Commissioners and Mosquito Control Officials, but the only one that isn’t completely made up for sure is the one about the president … who hasn’t yet been elected despite what anybody tells you.
- Remember that voting is a right that sometimes up to 46.6% of your fellow Americans for whatever reason don’t get around to exercising, so consider tricking them into voting by asking them out to lunch and then driving to your local polling place instead. You can pick up Taco Bell or something on the way back.
Here’s to a safe and prosperous Election Day this week, America – may all of your votes be counted without some stupid voter ID laws or redistricting getting in the way, and may goodness and sanity prevail when tomorrow we celebrate our next President-Elect … who will definitely be the best, most-qualified and totally sane woman for the job. 😉