Born in the heart of a dying teamster in 1929 to ensure that movie stars receive their due accolades in addition to fame and fortune for pretending to be other people while pictures are taken of them, the Academy Awards are us ordinary folks’ chance to gather in the comfort of our own living rooms to watch Hollywood congratulate each other by exchanging gold-colored, faceless statues representing countless millions who spend $45 on a ticket and popcorn just to make their careers possible.
So are you planning your own booshy Oscar party this year?! It’s not too late, but it almost is, so as expected – here are our finest tips to help make your Hollywood pity party the best thing since Orson Welles rambled incessantly for an hour and fifty-nine minutes about a sled…
- Be aware that the Academy Awards are, in fact, tonight.
- Two words – pizza rolls.
- Pirate all of the movies ahead of time so you can watch and cast your own votes, just like the Hollywood elite!
- Alcohol should be a given – if you haven’t each consumed a bottle and a half of merlot by the time they announce Best Animated Short Film, just turn your TV off and send everybody home because you’re clearly not taking the spirit of the awards show seriously.
- Don’t invite Debbie. That bitch is such a downer and we’re all tired of hearing about her affair with Derek from the PTA anyways.
- Do invite Leonardo DiCaprio. It’s a little-known secret among the industry that Leonardo DiCaprio makes a point to attend every single Academy Awards party to which he’s invited, so a quick call to good, old Leo is definitely worth your 25 cents!
- Make up some fun games to help get your party-goers in the spirit. Offer a $25 gift card to Bed Bath & Beyond for the first person who paints themselves gold and does a lap around the subdivision naked.
- Don’t be too hard on yourself if you still don’t win the award for Best Title Writing – it’s not your fault that the Academy didn’t see the brilliance you came up with in such stellar titles as True Story, Spy, and Steve Jobs. But you know, maybe try putting just a little thought into your titles for this year – that’s all we’re saying here, Greg…