Just Laugh’s Guide to Squatting on Federal Property

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If there’s one thing that we’ve learned already in 2016, it’s that despite America’s $600 billion military budget and trigger-happy police force, apparently it’s pretty easy to wander onto government property and take over like a foreclosed McMansion in the middle of suburbia!

Already it’s been over two weeks since Ammon Bundy and his band of merry mercenaries valiantly stormed the headquarters of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge on a holiday weekend toting plenty of semi-automatic weapons, but not nearly enough beef jerky, and weighing a particularly passive, old country desire by the Sheriff of Mayberry himself to keep things peaceful, God only knows how long this impromptu camping trip will be allowed to carry on in violation of federal law.

So are you ready to pack your rucksack and claim a piece of land back from Uncle Sam as your very own?!

• For starters, be sure to pick some federal property so far off the beaten track, it’ll be a real pain to even come negotiate with you when the FBI finally gets word of your antics. The more elk and raccoons in the vicinity, the better.
• Remember that much like good dental hygiene and non-camouflaged clothes, paved roads are your enemy.
• You don’t know how long you’re going to be out there, so be sure to bring along plenty of guns and ammo. As long as you’re white. In fact, only if you’re white.
• Don’t worry if you forget to bring important supplies like food and water and things that aren’t guns. Other morons from around the country will mail you that stuff via the US Postal Service, and for some reason you’ll still get mail delivery even though it’s supposed to be the government that you’re protesting.
• Also don’t worry if you forget to bring other recreational novelties such as double-ended dildos and ridiculous-sized buckets of lube because, well, other people on the Internet are bound to take advantage of that mail delivery you’re still receiving, too!
• When settling in for the night as temperatures in the middle of nowhere creep into the single digits, be sure to cuddle your fellow patriots in a heat-retaining ball of man flesh that will not only keep you toasty all night long, but will also serve to prepare you for federal prison once law enforcement finally comes to their senses. If you’ve still got leftover lube, put it to use to ensure a snug fit!
• In between all of the media interviews trying to explain your little campout, take some time to enjoy the fresh air and the wildlife and your generous collection of dildos, and thank God for bringing every last one of those dildos into your life during this time of need.
• Don’t fuck with the raccoons, no matter how much she looks like your cousin after a night of heavy drinking.

But trust me about the dildos…