New Zealand Aquarium Escape Highlights Worldwide Octopus Security Flaws

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Napier, New Zealand (Just Laugh) – With Inky the beloved Octopus from the National Aquarium free to do his octopusing in the open sea after escaping through a drain pipe when his tank lid was left slightly ajar earlier this year, marine biologists and those concerned about mutant octopus attacks are seeing the cephalopod’s getaway as a warning sign that aquariums and amateur keepers of octopuses best take seriously.

“Octopuses are fabulous escape artists, and if these creatures were to ever mobile their talents, we could see the systematic takedown of human civilization as we know it in as little as 72 hours,” explained Sy Montgomery, author of The Soul of an Octopus as well as the 1991 cult classic screenplay Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s An Octopus.

“When we see these weird creatures at the aquarium,” said esteemed marine biologist and octopus psychologist Alfred J. Peckerwillow, “we like to think that there’s this big sheet of glass separating us from them, so we’re free to tap on the glass and then move on to the shark exhibit because sharks are naturally more interesting like it’s no big deal, but it is a big deal.”

“It’s a very big deal,” Peckerwillow emphasized all dramatic-like.

It’s estimated that between one and three thousand octopuses escape from their human containment vessels every day, most of which presently just make their way back to the sea or hang out in your toilet for a while, noted Professor Peckerwillow, however should these incredible escape artists one day decide to suddenly 0give a shit about humanity and thus infiltrate our banks, our computer systems, and even that locked, bottom drawer in our nightstands where we keep our nudie magazines hidden from our wives…

“It would be game over for us non-octopuses, that’s for sure,” reiterated Señor Peckerwillow, who was apparently still hanging around the newsroom even after we told him we had all we needed from him.

In order to stave off the inevitable octopus invasion that will ultimately be humanity’s downfall, octopus security consultant Kent Squidman (no relation) advises that humans responsible for the captivity of cephalopods do the following:

• Keep lids on all octopus tanks securely closed at all times.
• Do not for any reason open an octopus tank ever.
• Seriously, just keep the lids closed because there’s an octopus in there and if given the chance to not be in there, most octopuses will likely take you up on that offer.

As for the forty-five foot long, six ton behemoth formerly known as Inky the Octopus, he’s likely since reunited with the rest of his happy, octopus family deep in the ocean, now spending his days retelling his heroic escape and scheming plans for revenge as the octopuses of the world prepare to take back this world that was once rightfully theirs, thus bringing mankind’s unjust rule at last to a bloody and likely double-battered before ultimately being deep fried and served with a side of marinara end.