Yesterday space exploration pioneer SpaceX announced that as soon as 2018, it would be flying its first two private citizens into space in an effort to bolster interests in space tourism as it moves towards colonizing Mars. Although the two individuals who have put down sizable deposits for the inaugural flight have not yet been named, we’ve put together a little list ourselves of people who we wouldn’t mind taking the trip, if you know what I mean…
President Donald Trump
You probably saw this one coming from a lightyear away … but purely for “diplomatic” reasons, we swear! If it turns out that there are environmental regulations or access to free healthcare on the moon, or maybe even some strange, alien pussy to grab, it makes only good sense that the Supreme Leader of the United States is first on the ground to address those, err, things head-on.
Martin rose to infamy in 2015 as the guy whose company bought the rights to an AIDS drug and proceeded to jack the prices up some 5,000%. He’s not the first pharmaceutical executive to make a hideous profit off of life-saving drugs, mind you – just one of the few dumbest ones to get caught gloating about it…
He’s a 75 year-old politician who more closely resembles a 150 year-old sea turtle. ‘Nuff said.
Admittedly we don’t even know who this guy is – apparently he’s a famous baseball player or something for that New York team? Anyways, another website said that at one time he was both “one of the greatest and also least liked players in all of sports,” which is confusing, but then again, so are sports.
You may want to swing by a Big Boy restaurant on your way to pick Sarah up a kid’s placemat and some crayons to give her a better chance of understanding where she’s going, but on the upside, this time she’ll really be able to see Russia from her new house!
Remember that Stanford kid who got a slap on the wrist for raping a girl behind a dumpster at a party? Well, that guy’s totally going to the moon, and we’re not even going to drop him off on one of the nice parts…
Because you never know where you’re going to need somebody willing to shoot people in the face, and the moon is certainly no exception.
That Kentucky Gay Marriage License Lady
She’s not worth even looking up her name, but that lady who refused to give marriage licenses out to gay couples after the Supreme Court told her she had to … that wasn’t very nice, lady. Go be mean on the moon if you’re going to have that kind of attitude!
The president of Nintendo of America, namely because I’m still bitter about not being able to get my hands on the NES Classic video game console that the company released back in November 2016 with insultingly limited quantities. It’s kind of a petty reason to send a guy to the moon, I know, but seriously – how did they not know that this callback to America’s favorite video game console wasn’t going to be a wild sellout a month before Christmas?!
Bill Nye the Science Guy
Nothing negative about Bill Nye – we just think that he would probably appreciate the trip more than any of the rest … for science!