Please find below the requirements for any proposals submitted for the project of constructing America’s next great eyesore – The Great Wall of Trump – as seen on late night Twitter feeds and boasted ad nauseam as the last saving grace for hard working Americans who are tired of seeing their jobs taken by even harder working Mexicans…
Minimum Height – The Wall should be as unquestionably impressive as President Trump’s inauguration crowds.
Materials – A cobbled together mess of steel, concrete, chicken wire, false pretenses, and industrial strength hair gel should all be considered.
Security Features (above ground) – One or more highly trained battalions of freedom hawks should continuously patrol The Wall’s perimeter. A system of spikes will also be installed atop The Wall to prevent the hawks from shitting directly on The Wall.
Security Features (underground) – Mole men – non-negotiable.
Aesthetics – The Wall should be decorated with the finest pro-American artistry so as to instill peace and freedom upon anyone who gazes at it from the American side. The Mexican side can be transparent, so as to allow the continued erosion of the American spirit to serve as an added deterrent to illegal immigrants.
Ability to Stop Illegal Immigration – n/a
Embarrassment Factor – A minimum of 65,844,610 Americans should be embarrassed at its erection along the border shared with our southern ally.
Funding – Whatever you need, seriously! The taxpayers, err – I mean, “Mexico” will be paying for the whole thing, anyways… 😉