VALDOSTA, GA (Just Laugh) – Nuns, altar boys, and clergymen a plenty continued to scour the land throughout the night as the massive search for the savior presses on with little or no positive resolutions in the near future. Those involved are being encouraged to enlist the aid of friends, family, and even complete strangers at this point, as few can even remember when this search began anymore…
“‘Twas a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…” Pastor Lucas began. “He said that he was just going out for milk, but that was years and years ago…nobody takes that long just to get a gallon of milk,” continued Jezebel Atkins, a close friend of the family. “When he didn’t return after an hour, we just assumed that the store had been out and he had went to another; when he didn’t return the following morning, we concluded that he had stopped to give some homeless people a ride to the shelter and ended up volunteering his services there for the night – he was like that sometimes, always helping people; but when he didn’t return after years and years, then we knew that something was wrong…”
“…but the man was still a grown-up,” Henry-James Atkins continued. “He did tend to wander sometimes, and we did occasionally find him in the oddest places. Like this one time, the town was having a huge, all-day wine-tasting show and we looked for hours until we finally found him sleeping behind a stack of empty barrels, but that was all in good fun, really! Who knows, maybe if we’d have kept a better eye on him, or maybe even gotten one of those tracking devices that they put on the ankles of prisoners on work release or something, maybe none of this would’ve ever happened.” As his wife began to sob once again, Henry asked that we pull our cameras away, but did give us the comment, “…you know, she blames herself every single day, sometimes even twice, but it’s probably just the booze talking…”
“It doesn’t really matter how or when we lost him,” Father Jerry O’Riley explained, “What’s important is that we get things under control here and come up with that sneaky, old chap as soon as possible, you know! I mean, how embarassing is this – losing the one whom our own religion believe to be the most sacred of them all? You won’t catch the Buddhists losing their God, I can tell you that…but come on – that guy’s as big as a house…”
While it does seem that most Christians are, for lack of a better term, hell-bent on finding their Lord, Jesus Christ, it should also be noted that we did come across a few select individuals who were specifically looking to place blame for the original “misplacing” of the savior. Although wishing to remain anonymous, they were quoted as saying, “Those who have not found Jesus can look forward to a dismal afterlife, filled with fire and brimstone and long, unedited interviews from the archives of Heraldo Rivera.”
We here at Just Laugh express our deepest concerns for the family of Jesus Christ and wish for his safe and speedy return. In the meantime, we’d like to offer the following tips to supplement your current search techniques. As excerpted from The OTHER Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook by Gene Doucette (available now!), these two suggestions make up half of the informative essay appropriately titled How to Find Jesus, which we’re pretty sure applies in this case…
1. Don’t Panic – Many people, after realizing they have lost Jesus, become panicky. This can be very dangerous. Instead, take a few deep breaths, relax, and think: where was the last place you had Jesus? Go there.
2. Look Around – Be thorough. Did you look behind the couch? He might be there. Don’t just glance around the room, either. Lift things up. He might be in the clothing hamper, for instance. Check there. He’s probably right where you left Him.
…click here for the rest of the essay, or even better yet – go out and pick up a copy of the book for yourself, because you never know when you might need to know How to Fend Off an Attack From an Extradimensional Invader From the Planet Nebulon Four, either!