Fungal Outbreak Erupts in Chicago River Once Again to Conveniently Coincide with St. Patrick’s Day

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CHICAGO (Just Laugh) – A recurring environmental nightmare that has plagued the Windy City now for over fifty years, Chicago residents watched with excitement as shades of brilliantly deadly green overtook the namesake river in what they continue to believe is merely a city-wide display of St. Patrick’s Day spirit, however for city officials who are no closer to solving the problem than they were a decade ago, the green river remains a ticking time bomb just waiting to ooze out of control.

“I shouldn’t even be doing this interview,” said Chicago Environmental Engineer Chip Avrey, “but you know what – fuck it. They have no idea how to stop that river from turning green every year and believe you me, money has been spent trying to figure this thing out!”

“People just think that it’s a holiday thing, and we’ve been lucky that it always seems to coincide with St. Paddy’s day so everybody just has another green beer and doesn’t question it.”

“Thank god people learned a long time ago never to swim or fish out of that cesspool or we’d have a whole lot of dead Chicagoans on our hands…”