NEW MEXICO (Just Laugh) – Skulking in secrecy in its desert hideout deep in the wastelands of the American southwest, the country’s only venomous lizard sat sunning itself in the early morn as it quietly plotted its nefarious life’s ambition of one day consuming all of humanity with its vicious, poisonous jaws.
“It’s going to be just spectacular,” the monster told us proudly as it casually licked at the air with its black, forked tongue. “Humans don’t really think much of our species because we live out here in the middle of nowhere, but mark my words – apathy will ultimately be your people’s downfall once the time of the gila monster is finally upon you.”
“As my brethren roam your streets, devouring your young like so many other mammals that we practice on here in the desert,” he continued with a noble arrogance, “it will only be once it is too late that humans will learn to respect us, or to fear us, for every time that we dine on avian eggs and desert mice, my fellow lizards we all dream of the succulent human flesh that will one day rain down upon us in an abundance that will keep us fed through the rest of eternity.”
“Nothing can save you from this fate of a thousand feasts – this vow you can take back with you to your two-legged friends with their spongy, delectable flesh and completely venom-free saliva…”
The fierce creature disappeared back into the shade of its burrow before specifying a particular time for its species’ impending invasion, thus making this waiting game all the more terrifying.