GOP Senators Generally Accept That Earth is Round, Orbits Around the Sun

Tweet

Washington, D.C. (Just Laugh) – After decades of contention and years of debate, Senate Republicans begrudgingly came to a new consensus late Friday night that could have significant ramifications on the presence of science-based testament and judgements on the floor for days to come.

By measure of a historic 81 – 14 vote on Friday, January 23, 2015, the United States Senate agreed to uphold not only the Pythagorean philosophy from the year 3 BC of our planet being in fact not flat, but a spherical object that was later reinforced by the explorer Ferdinand Magellan in the early 1500s when he circumnavigated the globe, in addition to the studies of Nicolaus Copernicus who in the 16th century suggested that the Earth orbits around the Sun and not vice-versa.

Though many years of intense debate finally urged senators to reach across the aisle in support of these ideals that the scientific community has thoroughly documented literally for centuries, a select few such as Senator Ted Cruz (R – TX), who was recently named the chairman of the Senate Subcommittee on Space, Science, and Competitiveness, urge their colleagues and constituents to take caution of biased ideas from the scientific community that serve to threaten the liberty and patriotic freedoms that make our country great.

“I urge my colleagues and constituents, despite this radical proclamation,” Cruz spoke, “to take caution of biased ideas from the scientific community that serve to threaten the liberty and patriotic freedoms that make our country great.”

“The Earth sure looks flat in every picture I’ve ever seen of it, and as for the sun – that disappears for hours upon hours out of every single day, completely unaccountable – well, who really knows???”

“The important thing,” Cruz concluded, “is that we don’t let this acceptance of scientific evidence become a slippery slope that leads us to also taking as general fact such old wives’ tales as global warming, the moon landing, and of course, why human beings can’t rub their stomachs and chew bubble gum at the same time.”

“There are simply some things that mankind wasn’t meant to understand, and I will fight vigorously to overturn today’s judgment until the day that they escort me from the building for trespassing,” Senator Cruz promised.