TAMPA (Just Laugh) – Once a vacation kingdom threatened only by obnoxious birds, sharks, and the occasional alligator, Florida seemed like the perfect place to call home for Scott Sevener – humor columnist and resident lack of snow enthusiast, but some ten years into his stay that entire sense of perpetual relaxation came crashing down with a single late night Google search that unexpectedly revealed another pest lurking in the dark just outside … one even creepier than the most menacing of sharks and birds…
“WTF – since when do scorpions live in Florida?!” Sevener eeked at approximately 3:38am after pursuing a late night curiosity regarding the eight-legged arthropods with the misconstrued understanding that the creepy beasts only existed in the desert a thousand miles away. “I didn’t sign up for scorpions when I moved here!!! Oh god, did something just brush my leg?!”
Though sources indicate that the Sunshine State only bears three varieties of scorpions and none of them possess a deadly sting to be concerned about, simply the mere thought of spotting one of these four-inch beasts crawling up a wall of his humble abode … or heaven forbid feeling one crawling up his leg mid-slumber … gives Sevener the heebie-jeebies of an unprecedented abundance, to the point where presently he’s unsure if he’ll ever be able to sleep again.
At least not without a giant boot in one hand and an industrial-size can of scorpion spray in the other.