Movember Cancelled, Citing Public Burden for Excessive Mustaches

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Mustacheland, USA (Just Laugh) – Citing an overwhelming enthusiasm from men and some women taking the opportunity to refrain from shaving the small portion of their faces between the nose and mouth region to somehow raise awareness for various men’s health issues, the National Organization for Stopping Everything (NOSE) announced the formal cancelled of the annual festivities known collectively as Movember.

“It just results in too many mustaches,” said Deputy Director for NOSE, Carl Handlebar. “The American public can only sustain 5-10% mustaches at any given time – tops, but during Movember we’ve seen the numbers raise to as high as 30% and that’s simply an unnecessarily large volume of mustaches for the people to reasonably accommodate…”

“Whether we’re talking about seeing a mustached-individual in public,” elaborated Professor Deborah Chevron, “or dare I say even having relations with someone sporting one of these so-called nostril-haircuts, we like to maintain a strict 9:1 ratio of non-mustaches to mustaches to ensure that the people always have a choice to not interact with mustaches should they find this lack of hygiene repulsive and reprehensible as most rational people do.”

“But when the mustache ratio becomes imbalanced due to incidents such as Movember, it creates situations where individuals are forced to interact with mustaches in their daily lives that could make them feel uncomfortable or perhaps even borderline squeamish.”

Senior Mustache Analyst Sumiko Fu Manchu explained, “You take, for example, a married couple with two children. Normally the man does not pervert his face with the devilry of the mustache, however during the month of November his friends encourage him to betray his marital bonds and grow these hairs on the underside of his nose.”

“As a result, his wife no longer trusts him and thus accuses him of having unfaithful relations with one of the downtown bridge trolls that actually finds his lack of grooming appealing. His children begin to fear their father out of rightful position that his nose goblins may likely swallow them up whole as his kisses them goodnight. And thus another happy household is torn to shreds due to the reckless behavior encouraged each year by Movember.”

“We’re not saying that everyone should go mustache-free,” stated Deputy Handlebar in reiteration. “You can’t please all of the cattle all of the time, however at this particular juncture our MustacheCensus indicates that levels are excessive to the point where Movember would hereby be a burden rather than a prickly and abrasive blessing upon society, so we must insist that all Movember activities for 2015 be cancelled, including but not limited to the Walrus Toss, the Horseshoe Slam Jam feat. wrestling celebrity Hollywood Hulk Hogan, and especially the Pencil Thin Mustache Jamboree and Chili Cook-Off.”

NOSE will continue to monitor mustache levels throughout the next year to advise if they have reason enough to cancel this horrible monstrosity once again in 2016.