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Paul Ryan to Run for Speaker, But Only If House Republicans Complete Seven Trials of the Sacred Flame

Photo by shankar s. / Flickr (Creative Commons 2.0)

WASHINGTON (Just Laugh) – In a speech intended to bolster his Republican colleagues into the more productive and unified team of Congressmen that citizens deserve, Representative Paul Ryan of Wisconsin shared that he would be willing to take up John Boehner’s position as Speaker of the House after the announcement of his retirement last month, however first he will require the other 246 House Republicans to put aside their grievances and submit to a series of seven trials under the light of the full moon in order to gain his trust.

Covering a myriad of both physical and mental feats, the Seven Trials of the Sacred Flame will pit Republican politicians against the very worst of themselves as they’re forced to face their fears of open flame, scientific consensus, and not gouging their plebian constituents through the nose should they dare to get sick without a proper middle-class job that offers health insurance.

“It’s not going to be an easy road,” Ryan spoke solemnly as an aid placed the ceremonial headdress upon his skull, “however it is only once you’ve danced among the pillars of fire and navigated through the maze of walk-in clinic list rates that you can call yourselves true men … or women, for 22 of you, but let’s just be honest here … mostly men.”

When asked whether he believed that his soon to be former colleagues were up to the harrowing challenge, Speaker Boehner told us, “The Mighty Silent One would be a grand asset to lead our people, but his demands will be hard meet indeed for so long as our numbers boast assholes larger than the majestic buffalo.”

About Scott Sevener (580 Posts since 2001)
The Co-Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Just Laugh, Scott writes about the random things in life that amuse him - from the miracle of childbirth to the bologna sandwich he just ate for breakfast. He currently resides in Tampa, FL with a girl, a baby, and a dog that never shuts the hell up.