SeaWorld to Replace Captive Orcas with Even More Captive Dolphins

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SAN DIEGO (Just Laugh) – Enduring years of public criticism as activists and lawmakers have made repeated demands for the theme park chain to end its iconic stadium performances featuring the killer whale Shamu and 23 of his identical siblings, today SeaWorld announced plans to finally appease its critics by phasing out its orca program in favor of an all-new aquatic feature that promises to mix both education and entertainment in a way that’s never been seen before.

“Though I’m sure that the many fans of our whale shows will be sad to see Shamu go into retirement,” announced newly appointed SeaWorld CEO Joel Manby, “we here at America’s premiere marine park are excited to share with you a very special show that’s been designed to become the new icon of our parks as we move into a post-captive-orca program…”

“Buckets of Dolphins is an all-new show that we’ve been working on behind the scenes at SeaWorld, and it was inspired by math – of all things!” explained Chief Containment Expert Jaime Fieldson. “Everyone knows that our beloved killer whales are big, but what none of us realized is that in comparison to dolphins, orcas weigh anywhere from 14 – 20x the size of your average dolphin in captivity.”

“What that means is that for every one of Shamu’s pals that we force into early retirement, we can cram a good 15 dolphins into that same tank space once occupied by just one of the ocean’s most vicious predators!”

“Plus, dolphin mouths are too small to fit people inside, so that’s kind of a bonus, too…”

“Starting in 2016,” Manby said, “SeaWorld is looking forward to debuting Buckets of Dolphins first in our San Diego location, but hopefully soon in our other two American parks as well because we think that once our guests get a glimpse of just how many dolphins we can pack into these whale tanks, it’s going to be all they’re going to want to talk about!”