Woman Punching Hamburger Announces Run for Republican Presidential Nomination

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(BIZARRO WORLD) Just Laugh – Proudly stepping forth as the 397th Republican to throw her hat into the 2016 race to become the 45th President of the United States, the provocative and mysteriously unnamed Woman Punching Hamburger promises to be a fierce competitor for many of the more conventional candidates, running on a platform predominantly focused around violence and retribution towards the fatty foods responsible for the increasingly dangerous obesity epidemic across America.

Expressing strong concerns both about upsetting the multi-million dollar fast food lobby as well as disrupting several of the candidates’ lunch plans, Republican frontrunners are already preparing an aggressive counter campaign that includes reclassifying hamburgers as vegetables and somehow accusing her of probably being born in Kenya.