Bloomfield, CT (Just Laugh) – As profits continue to hit record highs while the American healthcare industry struggles with surging medical costs, insurance providers nationwide find a great pride in their innovative means of extracting even more revenue out of their customers to their shareholders’ and executives’ delight.
“I know that the billions of dollars that we already profit off of our fellow Americans’ backs every year sounds like a lot, yet we’re finding that we’ve still only scratched the surface as far as capitalization on the wellbeing of humanity is concerned,” explained CEO of United ConsumerCare Frank Rapem.
“Take for example when a kid is playing outside and she scrapes her knee, and she runs indoors for her mother to put a band-aid on it and kiss it to make it better – right now America’s health insurance industry doesn’t make a dime from that boo-boo!”
“Or maybe a guy is doing his taxes and gets a paper cut,” the greedy vulture continued, shaking his head in rabid disappointment.
“Nothing … until now…”
“For far too long,” continued Chief Revenue Extraction Officer of WellCareCo Janet Carealot, “these minor bumps and scratches have been taking place by the millions across our country without benefiting the various healthcare entities that make America great, however through some exciting new initiatives that we’ll be leveraging between our network of providers and the nation’s moms, Americans can be sure that the care they’ll receive from the slightest scratch all the way up to the largest tumor will be treated with the same profit margins and utter disregard for compassion that our customers have come to expect from our insurers.”
Following a presentation that outlined the industry’s plans to monetize this new arena of minor healthcare where their presence is all but unnecessary, estimates showed that consumer co-pays for issues like scuffed knees and bruised elbows could be as affordable as $15 – $45 depending on the age of the children, with more serious minor injuries such as bloody lips and mosquito bites around $150 per incident once the applicable deductibles have been met.
A five-year strategy outlined the goal of making minor injury coverage mandatory with all medical insurance policies by 2018, with unauthorized band-aid distribution and wellness kisses subject to fines and potentially jail time, pending future legislation.