Humor Blog Highlights

Just Remember, Valentine’s Day Comes Once a Year

With Valentine’s Day approaching, men may think that this day can be brutal. I mean, let’s face it, having to purchase thousands of dollars worth of jewelry, flowers, chocolates, and cards that say, “I Love You.” This is hardly the day for men that it is for women.

But what men are forgetting, it’s only one day out of the year. Sure there’s Christmas, her birthday, your anniversary, Sweetest Day, Mother’s Day (if appropriate), the days to renew wedding vows, and the days that are needed to give women items because men screw up, which normally amounts to four weeks out of the year, but Valentine’s Day is the day of all days. The crème of the crop. The grand salami. The big one. The… you get my point.

Are you sick yet? Don’t be, because as I said, it’s only one day out of the year.

To get past this day (now I’m speaking for the men here, because you women will be completely wrapped up and in awe with something from a little box covered in felt), just remember the days when you were single. The days when you wished you had a girlfriend to buy gifts for, show off to friends, and eventually marry for the obvious… tax write off, I mean children.

So think back to the days of dating. That’s right, the ‘D’ word.

Dating has, and will always be, a challenging experience for men. Although I don’t like to speak for the women population, I believe it’s easier for them. I think that 90% of women have a comfortable plan that is employed when times are rough. The other 10%, however, represent the women that don’t get asked out at all. Their escape is a night at the local Ben and Jerry’s.

But the convenience for most females takes the shape of a platonic friend. What is a platonic friend to a woman? Platonic, as defined in Webster’s New World Dictionary, means, not sexual but purely spiritual. Apparently, every woman is friends with Richard Simmons.

A platonic friend to a woman is really another form of layaway. If the current boyfriend suddenly breaks, then in four months and 16 equal payments later, the platonic friend can be owned free and clear. The payments usually exist as hugs, talks, email messages, complimentary phone calls, and the occasional gift for just being a good person. That way, interest is still expressed, but at any time, the platonic friend can be canceled, only losing the minor investment payments.

And every so often, a woman will drag her girlfriends out to see this layaway item. “Girls, this is Dave. He is the nicest guy you’ll ever meet. We’re just friends though.” As she is saying this, in her mind it translates to, “Look what I have on layaway. In four months, this could be mine.”

Men can’t have this form of security. Because whenever a guy befriends a woman, it’s for one sole purpose, for company. No, I’m just kidding. To look good in front of his friends. That’s it. If sex transpires out of this, then it’s taken. If it doesn’t, men will say it happened anyway.

But I think that having a gorgeous woman strapped to a man’s arm is really the only reason that guys want to hang out with one another. Men don’t care if another guy has nice hair, uses correct English, or has straight teeth. It’s all a competition to show the highest, expended efforts of a fellow man.

There’s been times I haven’t spoken to a person for 10 years, and all of the times I’ve seen him out with his buddies, no words are exchanged. The moment we spot each other, and he is with a beautiful woman, he wants to know how I’ve been the last few years.

Men would like women to believe that they are the sensitive type, the romantic person, the one who cares. But really, men are thinking as superficial as possible.

Men will almost do anything, say anything, and buy anything just to impress a woman. That’s why there are so many fitness gyms, department stores, and books on ‘How to pick up chicks.’

Men typically exaggerate about themselves to persuade a woman to go out on a date. They will say almost every ridiculous line to win a woman over. “I love animals.” Yeah right, when just the other day this guy got arrested for using animals in a destructive manner.

A night can be wasted from all the crap that is made up, and on a whim at that. But why does this occur? So women can later find out that you’re nothing special? They’d say, “Hey, wait a minute. You don’t play for the NBA.” You’d try to lie, but she’d interrupt with, “No, you don’t. I’ve seen most of the games. You’re never there.”

So I have decided to do something different. I’m going to do the opposite. I’m going to downplay myself. I figure if I cut myself down about 30%, there is no way a woman can resist a sale.

Unfortunately, I tend to be returned within the 30 days.

“I’d like to return this man. He looks nothing like the picture. He’s much smaller in real life. I felt I got screwed and we didn’t even have sex. No, I’ll just take cash back. No in-store credit for me, thank you.”

This is clearly not the best way to go about dating, but it still lives up to today’s standards. That’s why divorce rates are so high and infidelity is very common. Instead of buying a mutual fund through Fidelity, buy one through infidelity. The stocks seems to outperform the S&P, as well as the Nikkei index.

So if men think back to these days of lying just to gain a girl’s interest, Valentine’s Day will go much smoother. That’s until you get that credit card statement in the mail the next month.

About Jason Tanamor (44 Posts from 2001 - 2003)
The writings of Jason Tanamor display obvious influence from many very different stylings, all the way from the wackiness and off-the-wall concepts of Dave Barry to the detailed analysis of a young and hip Jerry Seinfeld.