Just Laugh http://www.justlaugh.com Your Source for Humor on the Internet... Mon, 19 Feb 2018 21:27:56 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=4.9.4 Just Laugh’s Guide to Making Excuses for Talking About Gun Control http://www.justlaugh.com/features/2018/just-laughs-guide-making-excuses-talking-gun-control/ Mon, 19 Feb 2018 19:00:37 +0000 http://www.justlaugh.com/?p=5488 Everyone knows that despite being weapons specifically designed for efficient killing by exerting lethal force on a piercing chunk of lead at speeds of up to 1,000 meters per second, guns don’t kill people … people with guns kill people! While some liberal fascists within our society will be quick to blame access to this advanced weaponry whenever they’re used to kill people in staggering numbers around our nation on a way too regular basis, it’s of the utmost importance for the freedom of our masculinity that we deter any discussion around making efforts to restrict access to these beautiful killing machines, with their precision targeting and ability to stave off tyranny, when the man threatens to tear them away from our warm, fleshy hands. Here are some tips to help turn the discussion about gun control back where it really belongs… Cite the 2nd Amendment early and often. Well, not the part about the whole “well-regulated militia” … try to skip over that if at all possible. Adamantly suggest that mental health is clearly the real culprit here, as a guy taking anti-depressants obviously poses more of a threat to society than someone hoarding a cache of weapons large enough to arm a entire militia just in case. [...]

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Everyone knows that despite being weapons specifically designed for efficient killing by exerting lethal force on a piercing chunk of lead at speeds of up to 1,000 meters per second, guns don’t kill people … people with guns kill people!

While some liberal fascists within our society will be quick to blame access to this advanced weaponry whenever they’re used to kill people in staggering numbers around our nation on a way too regular basis, it’s of the utmost importance for the freedom of our masculinity that we deter any discussion around making efforts to restrict access to these beautiful killing machines, with their precision targeting and ability to stave off tyranny, when the man threatens to tear them away from our warm, fleshy hands.

Here are some tips to help turn the discussion about gun control back where it really belongs…

  • Cite the 2nd Amendment early and often. Well, not the part about the whole “well-regulated militia” … try to skip over that if at all possible.
  • Adamantly suggest that mental health is clearly the real culprit here, as a guy taking anti-depressants obviously poses more of a threat to society than someone hoarding a cache of weapons large enough to arm a entire militia just in case.
  • Seize any opportunity to correct people about semantics, such as the fact that the “AR” in AR-15 actually stands for Armalite – the maker of the rifle and not assault rifle. There’s no better way to honor the dead than by maintaining a smugly superior knowledge about the weapon that was used to kill them.
  • Reminders that only good guys follow the law anyways are a great way to drive home the fact that it’d be really awesome to live in the Wild Wild West where you could shoot a man in the street if he accidentally took a sip out of your sarsaparilla.
  • Don’t let liberals bully you into thinking that arming kindergarten teachers isn’t a perfectly viable opportunity for gun manufacturers in the United States to surge their back to school sales revenues.
  • Violence in video games is always an easy option to deflect attention away from gun control. Remember that power pellet epidemic we saw back in the 1980s when Pac-Man was first released in arcades across the country???
  • Don’t think of mass shooting survivors as innocent children who’ve just endured a horrific tragedy as much as future Democratic voters who’ll no doubt be after your guns, too … especially because it’s basically your fault that legislation hasn’t already been passed that could’ve very well saved their classmates’ lives.
  • And if all else fails, simply remind your debate partner that Sarah Palin herself says that our guns are the only thing that protect us from tyranny – which is a perfectly normal thing for someone who has served as the heads of both local and state government, and then ran for a position second in command of the federal government to say.

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Even More Things That Millennials are Killing… http://www.justlaugh.com/features/2017/even-things-millennials-killing/ Sat, 20 May 2017 22:00:06 +0000 http://www.justlaugh.com/?p=5478 Adjustable Rate Mortgages 2-for-1 Happy Hour, only at Applebee’s Complaining About Long Lines at the Post Office The MacNeil/Lehrer NewsHour America’s Shameful Divorce Rate Sunflowers Drive-In Movies Blackberries (the fruit and the mobile device) Going to Bed By 9:30pm on a Friday Night Calling Your Parents Every Once in a While Remembering Bill Cosby for His Jell-O Commercials and Not, Well, You Know… Virginia Being for Lovers The Future of the Republican Party Squeezing in One Last Family Road Trip Before Summer’s Over My High Score in Gallaga

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  • Adjustable Rate Mortgages
  • 2-for-1 Happy Hour, only at Applebee’s
  • Complaining About Long Lines at the Post Office
  • The MacNeil/Lehrer NewsHour
  • America’s Shameful Divorce Rate
  • Sunflowers
  • Drive-In Movies
  • Blackberries (the fruit and the mobile device)
  • Going to Bed By 9:30pm on a Friday Night
  • Calling Your Parents Every Once in a While
  • Remembering Bill Cosby for His Jell-O Commercials and Not, Well, You Know…
  • Virginia Being for Lovers
  • The Future of the Republican Party
  • Squeezing in One Last Family Road Trip Before Summer’s Over
  • My High Score in Gallaga
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    Just Laugh’s Guide to Political Avalanches http://www.justlaugh.com/features/2017/just-laughs-guide-political-avalanches/ Wed, 10 May 2017 21:00:22 +0000 http://www.justlaugh.com/?p=5467 There comes a time in every president’s term when he must ask himself – am I going to finally concede to my nepotism, my corruption, and my collusion with the Russian government that got me elected in the first place, or am I going to go out flailing and tweeting my inane bullshit until they finally drag me back to my golden tower in Manhattan that I probably should have never left in the first place??? As certain events have hinted that an avalanche of sorts may be rapidly barreling down the mountain, we’ve assembled a list of helpful tips to guide the rest of American “through this disaster” on to the light at the end of the shit storm that Donald Trump’s short-lived political career has been… DO make sure to take some time in advance to stretch your gloating muscles because it’s been a long three and a half months of … whatever the hell this was. DON’T start popping your popcorn just yet, as politicians have a way of drawing things out ad nauseam and nobody likes eating stale popcorn. DO be prepared to endure lots of waffling, and not the good kind of waffling that comes with copious amounts of syrup. DON’T forget to tip your [...]

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    There comes a time in every president’s term when he must ask himself – am I going to finally concede to my nepotism, my corruption, and my collusion with the Russian government that got me elected in the first place, or am I going to go out flailing and tweeting my inane bullshit until they finally drag me back to my golden tower in Manhattan that I probably should have never left in the first place???

    As certain events have hinted that an avalanche of sorts may be rapidly barreling down the mountain, we’ve assembled a list of helpful tips to guide the rest of American “through this disaster” on to the light at the end of the shit storm that Donald Trump’s short-lived political career has been…

    • DO make sure to take some time in advance to stretch your gloating muscles because it’s been a long three and a half months of … whatever the hell this was.
    • DON’T start popping your popcorn just yet, as politicians have a way of drawing things out ad nauseam and nobody likes eating stale popcorn.
    • DO be prepared to endure lots of waffling, and not the good kind of waffling that comes with copious amounts of syrup.
    • DON’T forget to tip your waitress at Waffle House – she works hard for her money and tipping represents a significant portion of her income.
    • DO try to avoid standing directly underneath the avalanche, as the deluge of Trump byproducts is likely to make quite the mess on its way down.
    • DON’T be surprised if the USA doesn’t get a Christmas card from Russia this year.
    • DO keep in mind that of everyone who will be affected by Donald Trump’s inevitable fall back to earth, your Republican uncle will likely take it the hardest of all, so be sure to show his feelings the same level of compassion and sympathy that he’s shown your cuck snowflake libtard ass since Trump was elected back in November.
    • DON’T be sad – America will soon be able to look at itself in the mirror once again.

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    Trump Administration to Replace American Healthcare with Picture of Dog Consulting WebMD http://www.justlaugh.com/shorts/headlines/2017/trump-administration-replace-american-healthcare-picture-dog-consulting-webmd/ Thu, 04 May 2017 15:30:10 +0000 http://www.justlaugh.com/?p=5461 The post Trump Administration to Replace American Healthcare with Picture of Dog Consulting WebMD appeared first on Just Laugh.

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    Highlights of Donald Trump’s First 100 Days as President of the United States http://www.justlaugh.com/features/2017/5456/ Mon, 01 May 2017 20:39:57 +0000 http://www.justlaugh.com/?p=5456 Day #2 – Raised concerns about the media understating the size of his inauguration attendance. Day #8 – Banned entry to the United States for travelers from terror-prone regions for approximately 8 days. Day #12 – Raised concerns about the media understating the size of his inauguration attendance. Day #15 – Noted that Arnold Schwarzenegger did awful at his old job of hosting The Apprentice. Day #20 – Protested retailer Nordstrom for treating his daughter Ivanka so unfairly. Day #40 – Admitted that nobody knew healthcare could be so complicated. Day #47 – Raised concerns about the media understating the size of his inauguration attendance. Day #65 – Encouraged 28.6 million Twitter followers to watch Judge Jeanine on Fox News at 9:00pm. Day #67 – Appointed son-in-law Jared Kushner to lead shadow government. Day #72 – Discretely excommunicated Kellyanne Conway from the kingdom, never to be seen or heard from on network television again. Day #77 – Ate the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you’ve ever seen. Day #87 – Boasted twice as many rounds of golf since his inauguration as President Obama played. Day #89 – Celebrated Tax Day by remaining steadfast in his dedication to not release his own tax returns to the American public. Day #98 [...]

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    Day #2 – Raised concerns about the media understating the size of his inauguration attendance.

    Day #8 – Banned entry to the United States for travelers from terror-prone regions for approximately 8 days.

    Day #12 – Raised concerns about the media understating the size of his inauguration attendance.

    Day #15 – Noted that Arnold Schwarzenegger did awful at his old job of hosting The Apprentice.

    Day #20 – Protested retailer Nordstrom for treating his daughter Ivanka so unfairly.

    Day #40 – Admitted that nobody knew healthcare could be so complicated.

    Day #47 – Raised concerns about the media understating the size of his inauguration attendance.

    Day #65 – Encouraged 28.6 million Twitter followers to watch Judge Jeanine on Fox News at 9:00pm.

    Day #67 – Appointed son-in-law Jared Kushner to lead shadow government.

    Day #72 – Discretely excommunicated Kellyanne Conway from the kingdom, never to be seen or heard from on network television again.

    Day #77 – Ate the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you’ve ever seen.

    Day #87 – Boasted twice as many rounds of golf since his inauguration as President Obama played.

    Day #89 – Celebrated Tax Day by remaining steadfast in his dedication to not release his own tax returns to the American public.

    Day #98 – Raised concerns about the media understating the size of his inauguration attendance.

    Day #102 – Thought that this job would be easier…

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    Pros and Cons of Trump’s Tax Plan http://www.justlaugh.com/features/2017/pros-cons-trumps-tax-plan/ Thu, 27 Apr 2017 15:30:16 +0000 http://www.justlaugh.com/?p=5451 Pros… Gives middle-class Americans the opportunity to experience paying higher taxes just like rich people, but without all of the pesky wealth. Morale booster for billionaires in positions of great power who would like to give back to their most valued billionaire employees. If you like your Tax Preparer, you can keep your Tax Preparer. Temporary distraction from all of the other ways that Trump Administration is systematically destroying America. Perfect for citizens who hate math and have no idea how their taxes are calculated today. Cons… Tax dollars pay for stuff that we need and we’ll have much less of it as a result. Makes doing things like saving for retirement and donating to charity for the tax deductions kind of pointless. Still won’t stop most people from complaining about their taxes. Rich get richer, poor get poorer, etc, etc… Incentivizes future billionaire presidents to also never release their tax returns by reinforcing the enthusiasm of delusional middle America.

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    Pros…

    • Gives middle-class Americans the opportunity to experience paying higher taxes just like rich people, but without all of the pesky wealth.
    • Morale booster for billionaires in positions of great power who would like to give back to their most valued billionaire employees.
    • If you like your Tax Preparer, you can keep your Tax Preparer.
    • Temporary distraction from all of the other ways that Trump Administration is systematically destroying America.
    • Perfect for citizens who hate math and have no idea how their taxes are calculated today.

    Cons…

    • Tax dollars pay for stuff that we need and we’ll have much less of it as a result.
    • Makes doing things like saving for retirement and donating to charity for the tax deductions kind of pointless.
    • Still won’t stop most people from complaining about their taxes.
    • Rich get richer, poor get poorer, etc, etc…
    • Incentivizes future billionaire presidents to also never release their tax returns by reinforcing the enthusiasm of delusional middle America.

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    A Brief History of Jesus and the Easter Bunny http://www.justlaugh.com/features/humor-columns/2017/brief-history-jesus-easter-bunny/ Fri, 14 Apr 2017 21:38:59 +0000 http://www.justlaugh.com/?p=5447 For today’s service we turn to The Book of Scott, Patron Saint of Fart Jokes, chapter 4:14 – Funnious Bunnious, for this very special Easter edition of The Humor Column – paraphrased for your reading pleasure, and also to help keep you from falling asleep during church like you usually do… Everyone knows that you do it, Frank – you can’t snore like a goddamn buzzsaw during communion and not expect anyone to notice. Show a little respect! Of course, Easter is a big time for Christians because second only to getting Christmas presents and being born and whatnot, we know with great certainty that Jesus loved hunting for Easter eggs. For it’s been said that nothing put a smile on that kid’s face quite like hopping out of bed on Easter morning and scurrying down the hall to find that the Easter Bunny had paid a visit to God’s kingdom, hiding brightly colored eggs filled with chocolates and a giant Easter basket overflowing with goodies for young Jesus to find… Being an only child because his half brothers spent holidays with their mom, God tended to spoil Jesus something fierce because he was the kind of parent to love his boy through things instead of [...]

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    For today’s service we turn to The Book of Scott, Patron Saint of Fart Jokes, chapter 4:14 – Funnious Bunnious, for this very special Easter edition of The Humor Column – paraphrased for your reading pleasure, and also to help keep you from falling asleep during church like you usually do…

    Everyone knows that you do it, Frank – you can’t snore like a goddamn buzzsaw during communion and not expect anyone to notice. Show a little respect!

    Of course, Easter is a big time for Christians because second only to getting Christmas presents and being born and whatnot, we know with great certainty that Jesus loved hunting for Easter eggs. For it’s been said that nothing put a smile on that kid’s face quite like hopping out of bed on Easter morning and scurrying down the hall to find that the Easter Bunny had paid a visit to God’s kingdom, hiding brightly colored eggs filled with chocolates and a giant Easter basket overflowing with goodies for young Jesus to find…

    Being an only child because his half brothers spent holidays with their mom, God tended to spoil Jesus something fierce because he was the kind of parent to love his boy through things instead of emotions. And that was perfectly fine with Jesus because it scored him all sorts of sweet presents like PlayStation games and Pokémon cards, and one year when he did particularly well on his report card, his father even let him get a bunny for Easter … though he quickly regretted it and turned the bunny into chocolate upon realizing just how much real bunnies poop all over the place!

    Granted, it wasn’t all rainbows and jellybeans for Jesus growing up.

    One not so good Friday, Jesus had a bit of a run in with some of the townsfolk and they roughed him up pretty bad, as angry mobs are wont to do. They forced him to wear this pointy hat and dragged him through the mud, and it really sucked the life out of poor Jesus … but as we all know, Jesus was never one to take a challenge laying down and only a few days later he was up and running again, some would even say filled with more life than ever.

    Other years little Jesus faced similar hardships, like the one where his mother insisted on him wearing an Easter bonnet “just for a few photos” and then made him keep it on even longer because her sister was coming over and she thought it would be cute, despite looking absolutely ridiculous to anyone capable of free thought.

    Still, he always looked forward to Easter dinner and had quite the fondness for lamb and roast ham, which kind of makes sense seeing that he was born in a barn and all. Jesus was sure to steer clear of the deviled eggs, though, as well as that weird green jelly thing with the fruit floating in it that everyone’s aunt always makes and then harasses everybody about never eating…

    Yes, Easter was a magical time for young Jesus, filled with chocolate eggs and marshmallow peeps, and unnaturally pastel rabbits and Reese’s Pieces cleverly arranged in the shape of carrots, and if he was really lucky, some years Easter would fall in line on the calendar with spring break so he would get an extra long vacation from school culminating with presents and chocolate galore – can’t argue with that!

    So this weekend while you’re hunting for those brightly colored eggs and dining on that glorious roast pig, take a moment to think of the little boy Jesus and the brief moment in time where he had a pet rabbit.

    The good word is that he named him Sir Poops-a-Lot and fed him a diet of cream soda and jelly beans, but that – my sleepy churchgoers – is a tale for another day…

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    Things With Eyes – The Devil Doesn’t Need an Advocate… http://www.justlaugh.com/features/comics/2017/things-eyes-devil-doesnt-need-advocate/ Mon, 10 Apr 2017 19:56:12 +0000 http://www.justlaugh.com/?p=5444 The post Things With Eyes – The Devil Doesn’t Need an Advocate… appeared first on Just Laugh.

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    Request for Proposal – The Great Wall of Trump http://www.justlaugh.com/features/2017/request-proposal-great-wall-trump/ Sun, 19 Mar 2017 23:57:35 +0000 http://www.justlaugh.com/?p=5429 Please find below the requirements for any proposals submitted for the project of constructing America’s next great eyesore – The Great Wall of Trump – as seen on late night Twitter feeds and boasted ad nauseam as the last saving grace for hard working Americans who are tired of seeing their jobs taken by even harder working Mexicans… Minimum Height – The Wall should be as unquestionably impressive as President Trump’s inauguration crowds. Materials – A cobbled together mess of steel, concrete, chicken wire, false pretenses, and industrial strength hair gel should all be considered. Security Features (above ground) – One or more highly trained battalions of freedom hawks should continuously patrol The Wall’s perimeter. A system of spikes will also be installed atop The Wall to prevent the hawks from shitting directly on The Wall. Security Features (underground) – Mole men – non-negotiable. Aesthetics – The Wall should be decorated with the finest pro-American artistry so as to instill peace and freedom upon anyone who gazes at it from the American side. The Mexican side can be transparent, so as to allow the continued erosion of the American spirit to serve as an added deterrent to illegal immigrants. Ability to Stop Illegal Immigration – n/a Embarrassment Factor – A minimum of 65,844,610 Americans should [...]

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    Please find below the requirements for any proposals submitted for the project of constructing America’s next great eyesore – The Great Wall of Trump – as seen on late night Twitter feeds and boasted ad nauseam as the last saving grace for hard working Americans who are tired of seeing their jobs taken by even harder working Mexicans…

    Minimum Height – The Wall should be as unquestionably impressive as President Trump’s inauguration crowds.

    Materials – A cobbled together mess of steel, concrete, chicken wire, false pretenses, and industrial strength hair gel should all be considered.

    Security Features (above ground) – One or more highly trained battalions of freedom hawks should continuously patrol The Wall’s perimeter. A system of spikes will also be installed atop The Wall to prevent the hawks from shitting directly on The Wall.

    Security Features (underground) – Mole men – non-negotiable.

    Aesthetics – The Wall should be decorated with the finest pro-American artistry so as to instill peace and freedom upon anyone who gazes at it from the American side. The Mexican side can be transparent, so as to allow the continued erosion of the American spirit to serve as an added deterrent to illegal immigrants.

    Ability to Stop Illegal Immigration – n/a

    Embarrassment Factor – A minimum of 65,844,610 Americans should be embarrassed at its erection along the border shared with our southern ally.

    Funding – Whatever you need, seriously! The taxpayers, err – I mean, “Mexico” will be paying for the whole thing, anyways… 😉

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    Things With Eyes – St. Patrick http://www.justlaugh.com/features/comics/2017/things-eyes-st-patrick/ Sat, 18 Mar 2017 19:48:46 +0000 http://www.justlaugh.com/?p=5424 The post Things With Eyes – St. Patrick appeared first on Just Laugh.

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