Humor Blog Highlights

When Dumb is Smart

Dear Savannah,

I can’t seem to find a suitable mate my age and my preference.  Is it because I’m too curvaceous and scare them with my femininity?  Is it because I’m too intelligent and spear them with my rapier wit?

Chasing them only seems to antagonize them.  I’ve had several offers from the elders of my tribe and a few from the fringes, but I’m not interested in these.  I’ve stood by being myself for a long time.

Would ending the loneliness be worth the label of hypocrite?  Could I act stupid?  Could I donate my curves to those afflicted with the condition I like to think of as “looking like a walking skeleton with skin stretched over it”?

Help me, please.

The Warrior Maid

 

Savannah Says:

I wonder what it is about society today that causes everyone to view things as “either/or.”  “Either I can be intelligent, or I can be married.”  “Either I can save up my money for a comfortable retirement as a single person, or I can spend everything I have on plastic surgery and attract a wealthy, elderly widower right now.”  “Either the tequila bottle is half empty, or it is half full.”

[Memo to Elizabeth: Make sure to order more tequila for this weekend’s Frijole Festival and Margarita Mix-Off.]

My point is, life is not an “either/or” proposition.  Sometimes, you must take a “Burger King” view of life and insist on having it your way.  And the best way to accomplish this is through trickery.

My dear, dear Maid, you have all the necessary trappings to attract any number of middle-aged, polo-playing ex-frat boys with houses in Val d’Isere and Rio, and a yacht moored off Aruba.  Your problem lies in seeing your strength (intelligence) as your weakness.

I fully understand what an impairment it is to be intelligent.  Not to mention beautiful, vivacious and amply-endowed.  The low self-esteem of most men makes it impossible for them to accept the feminist ideal of the attractive and intelligent woman.  Thus, the intelligent woman wins her man by refashioning her smartness into stupidity.

It takes a very smart woman to pull off convincing dumbness.  If native talent alone were enough, Mamie Van Doren’s career would have gone farther. (Here again, Melanie Griffith is the exception.)  You need to cultivate an adorable dumbness, Maid.  This, coupled with your curvaceousness, makes you a highly desirable marital package to any discerning gentleman.

First, learn to think before you speak.  Take long pauses before responding to anything, and maintain a quizzical expression.  Profess not to know, or not to understand, nearly anything your prospective mate discusses.  Ask him to explain things to you.  Watch his chest swell with pride as he shares his vast, if boring, knowledge of the world.

Next, when you do speak, make bubble-headed comments.  If you find an intelligent statement slipping from your lips, negate it immediately with a ridiculous quip.  (Your rapier wit will stand you in good stead, here.)  For example, should you slip up and say, “I see tensions in the Middle East are escalating,” adopt a puzzled expression and follow it with, “Why don’t they just all go shopping?” or “Why don’t they just get rid of all the escalators and use elevators instead?”

Third, adopt the subtle physical cues that denote airheadedness.  Cultivate a thin, reedy voice. Twirl the ends of your hair.  Pout.  Cock your head to one side at all times.

The absolute Monarch of Moronic was Marilyn Monroe.  I suggest you immediately watch all of her films to see how she cleverly feigns dumbness in order to get the guy.  “How to Marry a Millionaire” should be at the top of your viewing list.  Imitate Marilyn in all respects: voice, movement, and expressions.

As for your concerns about hypocrisy, Maid, let me just say there’s nothing hypocritical about a smart woman playing dumb.  You’re only showcasing your intelligence by doing so, and if it results in achieving the desired outcome, well, you’ve made the smartest move of all.

© 2000-2002 Elizabeth Hanes
 

About Savannah Lawless (16 Posts from 2001 - 2002)
Resident advice expert Savannah Lawless shares her wit and wisdom from eight marriages to five men and countless failed relationships coupled with a near-total lack of sobriety...