Humor Blog Highlights

Please Pass the White Meat

(And My Ear Plugs...)

My family laughed at me, my friends mocked me, and yet now I’m opening myself up to ridicule on a worldwide level, but that’s ok.  All of the jeers and rants simply blow by with the greatest of ease because last night I saw Britney Spears…

Still here?  Great, now prepare for more insight than we saw during the OJ case as I tell a story about one of the best concerts I’ve ever seen!  Those of you who know me as a die-hard rock ‘n roll fan need not worry, as I won’t be throwing out my Aerosmith CDs any time soon, but I definitely have been swayed by the titillating beat boasted by dance music.  However before I get into my review of the actual show, I think something needs to be said about the audience itself:

But Scott, it’s Britney Spears – what did you expect?!?!?  Well, I can honestly say that the thought of being surrounded by thousands of three-foot-tall banshees didn’t even come to mind when I got the tickets, although it probably should’ve been something I’d considered in advance!  How bad could it be?  Well, here’s a little experiment you can perform to put yourself in my shoes:

Take a quick trip around your neighborhood with a burlap sack.  Collect as many cats as possible (including the strays).  Next go to your local laundry mat and, after finding the largest drying machine they have, empty your bag of cats into the machine.  To cap the scenario, climb inside and ask the attendant to set the dryer on permanent press for three hours.  For an even more complete experience, have the attendant play Britney’s latest CD on a small boom box set to the lowest audible setting.

To say that it was loud would be a horrendous understatement because this concert was undoubtedly noisier than any show I have ever been to, and let me remind you that I’ve seen nearly every hardcore rock group from Aerosmith to ZZ Top, but this one left my ears ringing longer than most of these combined!  You know that kid who’s always screaming ahead of you in line at the grocery store?  Imagine going on a field trip with her and twenty thousand of her play pals and you’re beginning to come close to the ear-splitting adventure that I went through last night.

My biggest question was this: where are these children’s parents???  Well, that’s actually pretty easy because they were sitting at the end of the row, typically reading a book or focusing on just about anything except their own kin.  Now I’m not condoning child abuse or anything, but when your child thinks it’s ok to scream for an hour and a half straight, it’s time to lay the smack down!  Trust me, I was excited, too, but I still had my voice at the end of the show.  Of course, I’m only assuming that I still had the power of speech due to the fact that I couldn’t hear a damn thing, but I’m not the kind of person who screams at a concert like someone who isn’t allowed out of the house much.  This is really the only explanation I’ve  been able to come up with because the six little girls who were sitting behind me screamed at everything, from the quiet time between songs when Britney was talking to the moments when she wasn’t even onstage!  I suppose I can understand screaming after each song as an alternative to applause, but as we entered into hour number two, I was just about to take matters into my own hands.  Nevertheless, I have absolutely no desire to spend my holiday developing ways to avoid ‘dropping the soap,’ so I went for a walk instead…

And my oh my, what a walk it was!  Now perhaps I just don’t get out as much as I should these days, but what’s this world coming to???  Once again, I’ve been to my share of rock shows and we all know what kinds of, well, attire, the ladies have been known to wear around these things, but let’s remember: the majority of this audience had yet to become eligible for their learner’s permits!  Yet at the same time these tiny, innocent, teenage girls were strutting around in some of the most pornographic, prostitutional clothing I have ever seen – the types of outfits typically reserved for biker bars, strip clubs, late-night movies onCinemax and just about every single fantasy that will never happen to me.

There was enough leather and latex in the air to turn Mr. Rogers into a pedophile and it really makes me wonder what these children’s parents were thinking when they let little Jenny out the door that night, or even worse, what about the ones whose parents accompanied them to the show and dressed the same way?!?!?!  Even though there were a few older guys in attendance other than us, the bulk of the people were nonetheless women, or little girls I should say, so is it just in the presentation or what?  I can recall a similar incident when the same friend and I took a trip down to Universal Studios in Orlando – hundreds and hundreds of little girls running around in clothing that would put their Grandmothers into comas and you’re faced with that one question: to look or not to look???  If I do glance over, even just to think ‘What the hell?’ I’m instantly considered a pervert, but if I don’t look and she ends up actually being less than five years younger than I am, I’ve let my entire gender down…

So I’m a pervert, and guess what?  I’m ok with that.

Back to the show, though, there were some quality moments during the actual performance that must be noted.  The concert was opened by O-Town, the very band which was actually created through ABC’s Making the Band series last year, which was pretty cool.  They sounded almost exactly like their CD, which I think is somewhat of a lost cause in today’s society – most of the bands who don’t sound like their CDs when playing live end up sounding considerably worse, so at least it’s nice to hear what you’re expecting.

About two hours later, the vocal cords of several nearby teenyboppers were beginning to break down, which it gave our ears a much-needed break!   Britney came out on stage in pretty much the same manner as she had during her HBO special and, after a short deliberation, we decided that there was just no way that she had gotten the rumored implants that had previously plagued us before.  Honestly, the show was pretty good considering the type of music.  It was completely different than what I was used to seeing and that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.  The choreography was simply amazing and being someone who can hardly walk in a crowd, let alone dance, I couldn’t even imagine the amount of time that these guys and girls spent working this stuff out!  I’ll stick to the writing, thank-you!

My one regret was that I didn’t bring a camera because although the tickets specifically said no cameras and they’ve always been sticklers about it in the past, apparently it wasn’t a big deal this time.  I started to wonder when I noticed that the people in the suite below us had casually left their cameras out on the table for anyone to see, but the icing on the cake was definitely when a couple young girls asked one of the security guards to take their picture and she actually did it!  I’ve seen people get cameras confiscated and even get kicked out for pulling this kind of stuff, but then again, is it even legal to kick someone out when it’s barely thirty degrees outside???

Bottom line: it was a great show and I had a blast, despite my bleeding ears and pedophilistic behaviors.  The sheer loudness left my ears ringing longer than any rock concert ever has, but it was all worth it…


Give me a call the next time you’re in the area, Brit!  We’ll do lunch…

About Scott Sevener (572 Posts since 2001)
The Co-Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Just Laugh, Scott writes about the random things in life that amuse him - from the miracle of childbirth to the bologna sandwich he just ate for breakfast. He currently resides in Tampa, FL with a girl, a baby, and a dog that never shuts the hell up.