Humor Blog Highlights

To Catch a Cheater

Dear Savannah,

Unlike that idiotic crap you usually print, I have a real problem.  I’m engaged to be married after the baby comes because I don’t want to look fat in my wedding dress.

That’s not my problem.  My problem is, I just found out my fiancé has been cheating on me.

I had my suspicions all along.  Not too long ago, I was going through the voicemail box on his cell phone (he doesn’t know I have his security code, but I greased his secretary with a 10-spot and she coughed it up) and discovered a message from “Vanessa.”  That’s it.  Just “Vanessa” and a phone number.

Now, I come from a big family, and people talk.  So, I casually asked my cousin Tracy if she knew anyone named Vanessa.  She said she didn’t, BUT she’d heard our cousin Phil mention a Vanessa once.

Phil told me he couldn’t remember any Vanessa, but he knew a convenience store clerk named “Leigh Ann” who was pretty hot.  She works in the next town over.  So, I took a drive to see Leigh Ann.  She’s young, with long red hair, and boobs that look fake.  She’s definitely pretty hot.

As I paid for my Slurpee, I casually asked her if she knew anyone named Randy (my fiance’s name).  She thought for a minute and said she gets a lot of customers and can’t remember all their names.  BUT, I noticed she had a tattoo on her wrist that said “Loverboy,” which is Randy’s favorite ‘80s band.

When I got home, there was a message on my answering machine from Taryn, another cousin, who told me she knew of a girl named Vanessa in Lakewood who works in a lingerie shop.  So, I drove all the way up to Lakewood, but it turned out Vanessa wasn’t working that day.

BUT, I talked to her co-workers, and they said Vanessa (who is very cute) is dating a guy named Lance, and they’ve been going out for over two years.  I asked if Vanessa knew anyone named Randy, and the other clerk, Jessica, said she didn’t know, BUT Vanessa has a totally hot body and likes to wear lace thong panties to show off her cute butt. Randy likes cute butts.  AND her favorite mall drink is Orange Julius, which is also Randy’s favorite.

Since I was already in Lakewood, I called my cousin Moose over in Erindale to see if he wanted to have lunch.  He has a good job and usually will treat.  So, we get together at the Dairy Queen, and just then my cell phone rings.  My cousin Elaine tells me she just remembered the 1998 LeSeur County Pork Princess was named Vanessa.  She doesn’t know the girl’s last name, or where she is today, BUT Randy’s favorite meat is pork. AND he likes princesses.  He cried like a baby when Princess Diana died.

I confronted Randy with all this evidence of his affair, but naturally he denied it.  He told me he loved me, and he thought maybe my hormones were a little out of control.  He said it’s possible he has a policyholder named Vanessa. (He’s an insurance salesman.)  What else would he say, though?  Of course he’s going to deny having an affair!

I’m thinking of calling off the wedding until he comes clean with me and admits his cheating ways.  What do you think?


Distraught in the Midwest


Savannah Says:

I applaud your excellent detective work.  A girl can never be too thorough in investigating allegations of cheating.

It’s lamentable the way men have to drag out these scenarios.  If only Randy would admit his wrongdoing, the two of you could walk the path of atonement and shopping.  Instead, you’re looking at tears and recriminations.  How much credit card agony could be spared if only Randy would tell the truth.

I would go ahead with the wedding as planned.  If he’s cheating on you now, chances are he’ll do it again.  And if you can catch him doing it after you’re married, the rewards for you will be so much greater.

Good luck, dear!

© 2000-2002 Elizabeth Hanes

About Savannah Lawless (16 Posts from 2001 - 2002)
Resident advice expert Savannah Lawless shares her wit and wisdom from eight marriages to five men and countless failed relationships coupled with a near-total lack of sobriety...