Humor Blog Highlights

Improve Your Dating Portfolio

Dear Savannah,

I’m very concerned about the economy. The dating economy, I mean. Specifically, I’m interested in learning how I can leverage my current assets to create a better-rounded portfolio with stronger returns on my investment.

At this time, I invest in regular workouts, a hot car, and regular trips to the esthetician for hair removal, lymph gland expression and other cosmetic enhancements. However, with the state of the national economy causing huge rounds of layoffs, causing the dating market to become flooded with eligible young women who’ve left their now-unemployed boyfriends, I’m wondering if it’s time to reexamine my portfolio with a view toward reallocating my investments. Perhaps the portion of my portfolio devoted to the esthetician, for example, should be shifted into a mutual fund consisting of wine appreciation courses, season theatre tickets, and a timeshare condo in Barbados. Would this approach result in more net gains in the attraction and retention of a gorgeous babe?

I’d appreciate your thoughts on this.

Sterling Mason
Day Trader

 

Savannah Says:

A very interesting letter this week. It’s such a pleasure to hear from someone who, like myself, travels in the elite intellectual circles.

I believe your plan to reallocate certain investments is a sound one. Consider that your current investment strategy (workouts, car, esthetician) primarily benefits you. You’re never going to land a trophy wife that way!

However, if you shift some investments into assets that seem to benefit your prospective girlfriend (while actually they benefit you in the long run), you’re much more likely to see a positive return. I mean, a timeshare condo in Barbados is irresistible to a girl of impeccable taste, especially if you offer to make it available to her and her girlfriends from time to time. And season theatre tickets ensure you’ll be able to provide your girlfriend with a viable entertainment option on a regular basis. I can’t tell you how annoying it is to reach the third date with someone who’s already so tapped out of entertainment ideas that he suggests staying home to watch TV and eat pizza.

The economy here in Scrub Brush Springs took a turn for the better this past weekend. First off, my dear friend Chablis LaRoca opened her home to tours. We began in the kitchen, where she had been fixing an early-evening tuna sandwich snack when she heard a strange noise coming from the other end of her home. We then followed the hallway she fled down, shedding garments along the way, until she arrived in her bedroom — just in time to position herself at the dressing table in order to be properly peeped. We each got to hold the actual telephone she used to call the police after the Peeping Tom had disappeared again into the darkness. That alone was well worth the $4.50 admission price.

Also capitalizing on the spate of Peeping Tom events, Ernie Powell has been selling Peeping Tom souvenirs at his kiosk on Highway 324. (It’s actually an old produce stand, but he likes “kiosk” better.) Prices range from $1 for a plastic keyring to $29.95 for the limited edition ceramic bust crafted by local artist Esperanza de la Joya y Silverstein. I’m not sure the sculpture actually resembles the Peeper, since he hasn’t been caught yet. But he probably does wear dark glasses, as shown on the bust.

I think the best idea, though, is Martaan Ledgerman’s. He set up a peeping platform, sort of like a deer hunting blind, where you can sit up all night trying to catch a glimpse of the peeper in action. Bring your own binoculars! The peeping blind has been sold out every night since its opening, but then again it only holds six people. So far, there’s been no verifiable sighting, but people don’t seem to care. Well worth the $5 price of admission is what I’m hearing.

So you see, Sterling, you’re very smart to take such an interest in the romance economy. It’s spring, and investment opportunities are busting out all over!

Good luck, dear!

© 2000-2002 Elizabeth Hanes

About Savannah Lawless (16 Posts from 2001 - 2002)
Resident advice expert Savannah Lawless shares her wit and wisdom from eight marriages to five men and countless failed relationships coupled with a near-total lack of sobriety...