Humor Blog Highlights

Reaction Woman – Buy Now While Supplies Last!

Isn’t it interesting, those companies that make action figures for just about every movie and comic character, whether the character is a hero or not and whether the film is a five-star movie or a mere B-movie effort? What is really interesting is the product sometimes brings in more money than the venue from whence it came.

I believe, for women, there is a possibility of a product more intriguing than a mere action figure. For women, it would be an enjoyable and exhilarating experience to have a female doll created as a ‘reaction’ figure.

You know what I’m talking about ladies: A doll that would react to everything so we don’t have to. This ‘reaction’ figure would react to particular offences our mates say or to the attitudes of our teenagers, competitors, certain family members and co-workers. The reaction doll would sound off to our bosses, phone solicitors, noisy neighbors, social issues and political agendas. This priceless item would have a strong reaction to causes worth fighting for and do the walking and 5k running for us.

It would be a hoot to market ‘Reaction Woman’ and have a line of software, add-ons and accessories distributed from the company to enhance this product. How could one go about making ‘Reaction Woman’ a successful venture?

It would be as though the reaction figure were living a Saturday Night Live skit 24/7. I don’t believe there are enough psychologists in the universe to help a human being of this nature but a doll with this microchip could be an asset in our society.

Can you imagine it now? Get ‘Reaction Woman’ at a store near you: She argues wisely, she points her finger, she makes her eyebrows come together angrily and even sighs heavily when the opposition becomes ridiculous. She squints her eyes, stomps her feet on the ground and rounds her hands into fists and shakes them in mid-air though, in closing, ends the tumultuous exchange with a quieting statement.

In short, she handles all of your stress while you accomplish twice as much in life in half the time. As an added bonus, the creators could instill within ‘Reaction Woman’ the ability to shoot fire from her eyes and emulate a full-fledged twit-fit attack for those ‘impossible’ moments.

The company, possibly entitled ‘Run Interference’, could add a variety of phrases to ‘Reaction Woman’, such as:

  • Everything is filed in alphabetical order, sir. I am so sorry about your eyesight. Let me make a doctor’s appointment for you, please. (Sniff)
  • I am not taking any crap from you or your dog anymore.
  • Could you repeat your well-spoken offer? I’m in the middle of preparing dinner and missed a few lines. I’m not really interested in what you have to sell but you have a lovely voice and I would love to hear your redundancy again.
  • Clean your room, clean your room, clean your room, clean your room, clean your room, clean your room, clean your room…
  • If you do not shut-up, I will self-destruct in two minutes and take you with me when I go.

I believe this doll could help young girls experiencing puberty. It would allow them to simulate their intense feelings through the reaction figure thus transmitting aggression and confusion brought on by the crossroads of pent-up puberty hormones that are dying to get out but aren’t allowed yet.

I believe this would help relationships around the world. The moment a mate begins a pointless argument, the woman could turn on ‘Reaction Woman’ and leave the room and allow the exchange to continue without being present.

Women around the globe could relax and enjoy the latest Nicholas Sparks or Danielle Steel book, work her garden or watch a fabulous love story on cable television. You know, the kind where at end of the movie the man approaches the woman of his dreams and professes his undying love for her as you smile through happy tears while your mate and ‘Reaction Woman’ are destroying each other in another portion of the household.

It could do wonders for malfunctioned psychological warfare, which sometimes rears its ugly head and needs to vent.

Hey, they have blow-up dolls for kinky people. Why not a blow-up doll that really does blow up when certain buttons are pushed or when a switch is turned on? There wouldn’t necessarily need to be a switch to turn on ‘Reaction Woman’. You could just clap your hands together like you do those lamps and leave the room. You could get one that looks like you so your mate would never know the difference. Women could finally live in peace and tranquility for the remainder of life on earth.

This product could be a lifesaver.

I could actually have ‘Reaction Woman’ call my grandmother once a week and agree with her point of view on all things, inform her I have given up smoking and have taken up crocheting, while I call my husband into the bedroom and pat my heirloom quilt, which was passed down by my grandmother stemming from four generations in my family and now rests in our home as one of our favorite, um, past times.

About Kim Burke (19 Posts from 2001 - 2003)
Possibly the funnest thing to come out of Arkansas (not counting the whole Clinton-thing), Kim Burke's Incidents & Accidents help us to make light of the toils life throws our way, because life's too short for ordinary idiots.