Humor Blog Highlights

The Tao of Bonanza

Dear Savannah,

My girlfriend has a checkered past. When she was in college, she worked as a topless dancer. She’s also been divorced twice, although she doesn’t have any kids. Also, she used to have a drinking problem (now she only drinks socially), and she used to be a heavy smoker, but she’s cut down to a pack a day.

Then there’s the age difference. She’s 37, and I’m a 19-year-old college sophomore majoring in civil engineering. I come from a very straight-laced, religious background, and my parents don’t approve of Bonnie. They don’t like the fact that I met her during a life drawing class (even us brainiacs have to take a certain number of fine arts credits), where she was working as a nude model, and they strongly disapprove of her past history, not to mention the fact that she sings in local nightclubs and plans to become a recording artist.

The thing is, I love Bonnie with all my heart. I feel she’s my soulmate, that I can build a life with her. How can I get my parents to accept her?

Lovelorn,
Brandon in South Carolina

 

Savannah Says:

I think I saw something like this on an episode of Bonanza. Adam Cartwright fell for the daughter of a Jewish peddler, who didn’t approve of Adam because he wasn’t Jewish and didn’t know the first thing about the old Jewish traditions. But then Adam came to the peddler’s rescue and managed to kill two guys who were trying to steal his money, not to mention torturing the peddler and trying to rape his daughter, and then the peddler came around to the fact that maybe he was too strict with his daughter and should probably let her go to the dance with Adam after all, because, let’s face it, the prospects of finding his daughter a Jewish scholar to marry in late-1800s Nevada were pretty slim.

OK, maybe that doesn’t really match your problem, because Adam Cartwright was a fine, upstanding man in the community, with no skeletons in his closet. Educated, handsome, and rich, it’s incredible he went for five seasons without getting married off.

Come to think of it, your problem is more like the episode in which Little Joe hires one of the ranch hands, a former bounty hunter, to find out who’s rustling the herds of the Cattlemen’s Association. The ranch hand’s dating a saloon girl in Carson City, and he keeps promising her he’s going to make some “real money” soon and take her away from “all of this” to something better in San Francisco. The saloon girl keeps pretending she believes in his fantasy scheme, but deep down she doesn’t believe she’s worth it. She thinks Dan, the ranch hand, deserves better than her, even though she truly loves him. Dan ends up falsely accused of killing a rustler, but Little Joe proves one of the Cattlemen’s Association members did it. Meanwhile, the saloon girl keeps plying her trade, and Dan ends up leaving town without her, his heart shattered by her infidelity, but with a nifty $1300 in his pocket.

Yes, this is much more like your situation. Of course, in the television show, Dan did the sensible thing. He accepted the fact that the saloon girl would never change, and he cut his losses by leaving her.

Naturally, that is wrong. That only works in the movies. In real life, you have to try to change the people you love, and that is what I’d recommend you do with Bonnie. If you work at it hard enough, I’m sure you can mold her into the kind of woman your parents want you to have: an honest, loving, responsible helpmate who will bear you many children and always be there to support you in your times of need. You simply need to tell her what you expect of her, and if she truly loves you, she’ll be more than willing to change herself into the woman of your dreams.

Or, you can tell your parents you want $1300 to dump her and take the cash. Either way, it’s a win-win situation. Good luck!

[Note from Elizabeth: Next week, I’ll make sure Miss Lawless does not have access to both the remote control and the liquor cabinet key. Gin and Pax-TV just don’t mix.]

© 2000-2002 Elizabeth Hanes

About Savannah Lawless (16 Posts from 2001 - 2002)
Resident advice expert Savannah Lawless shares her wit and wisdom from eight marriages to five men and countless failed relationships coupled with a near-total lack of sobriety...