The Life Cycle of Marriage (Part One)
Dear Savannah,
I recently got engaged and need wisdom from someone who knows. What tips can you give me about my pending first marriage? How can I transition smoothly into the marriages that follow?
Sincerely yours,
Alexis
Savannah Says:
Your name positions you perfectly for a lifetime of marriages to men of wealth and privilege, do you realize that? You should thank your parents for this every day, as you lounge poolside in Cancun, sipping drinks with little paper umbrellas in them. All parents should be so shrewd in gifting their child with a “power name” like Alexis.
I’m glad to see you’re planning ahead about your pending marriages. Any serious pursuit, such as a career or beauty pageant, deserves an investment of thoughtful advance planning to make it a success. Prep school is not too soon to begin practicing the delicate social arts, the conniving and scheming, that will lead to married bliss in 5- to 7-year increments over your lifetime. Twenty years from now, when you’ve “traded up” for the third time, you’ll be glad you spent some time strategizing as a youngster.
Let’s assume that with a name like “Alexis,” you’re currently engaged to a recent Ivy League graduate whose utter lack of professional credentials, or even intelligence, prove no obstacle to success, as he’s about to enter a full partnership in Uncle Austin’s 150-year-old law firm, complete with a corner office, well-stocked bar, and a staff of assistants and paralegals to do his work for him. What should you expect, as you move through your engagement with this prize catch and on toward the nuptials?
Well, first you can expect to be treated like the debutante you are, whether you actually were a debutante or not. Your social calendar will be overbooked with soirees hosted by each side of the family, events where you can look forward to being groped by drunken older men usually characterized as “dear friends of the family,” “Colonel,” or “governor.” Obviously, you don’t want to rebuff this sort of behavior, as one of those “dear friends” may eventually become Husband Number 3.
In fact, the main purpose of these parties, as far as you’re concerned, is to reconnoiter the social landscape for prospective targets. Is there a wealthy bachelor cousin in the mix? And is he hetero? What preliminary threats from other females can you identify in his regard?
You should spend a lot of time showing off your not-less-than-1.5 carat engagement ring. Remember: you ARE a trophy to be won. The size and quality of your engagement ring determines whether you’re viewed as a “bowling” or a “Super Bowl” trophy. As you can see, there’s a world of difference! Of course, since this is your first engagement, you can’t expect to be the Stanley Cup. But you do want to set a respectably high bar for future suitors to leap over in their quest to win you.
Also during your engagement, you should be prepared to sit through hours of excruciatingly boring meetings with wedding planners. Naturally, you’ll have no say in planning any aspect of this momentous occasion. All of that will be left up to the respective mothers, who’ll broker agreements designed to maintain the balance of power between your two families. The smallest details, down to the flavor of jam between the layers of your twelve-tiered, cascading, monogrammed cake, will be handled by women who know far more than you do about what you really want.
And then there’s the issue of The Dress.
The Dress might be one handed down through generations in your family. Or it might be an heirloom from your husband’s side of the family. If so, you’ll look dowdy. And you can’t afford that. You deserve a Vera Wang creation, and you shall have it.
[Note from Savannah’s long-suffering secretary, Elizabeth: Well, Alexis certainly wound Savannah’s crank with her question. Savannah’s been dictating for hours, and I hear no end in sight. We’ll have more on “The Life Cycle of Marriage” next time.]
