Humor Blog Highlights

“Hi, My Name is Jason, and I’m a Pornoholic…”

Ahh, pornography. The sound of it makes it seem interesting. Kind of like photography, oceanography and even origami.

Pornography has become a serious issue ever since the inception of the Internet. And of course, we have none other than Al Gore to thank for it. After all, he invented the Internet. This is surely ironic because his wife Tipper (which incidentally is what you do to a waitress, a valet worker, and a cow), was one of the advocates for censorship on certain mediums. Just another example of a wife cleaning up her husband’s mistakes. I even think she’s still counting votes in Florida.

Because as of right now, the Internet is not regulated. There have been talks about trying to get adult related sites off of public computers, but it will never happen because it’s downright impossible. It’s impossible because there are a bunch of adult sites going up every day, so paying someone to scour the net, looking for these sites would be a task that even Hugh Hefner wouldn’t do. Of course, I would.

I would do this job, because it seems to me, that every time I’m on the Internet, I do one of two things. I check my email, or I look at porn. It’s impossible not to, look at porn I mean, which is why I end up with email messages with the subject: Britney HARD CORE!!!

A person could enter a vague, yet safe sounding word like ‘sugar’ into a search engine, and more than likely he’ll find Sugar, the exotic dancer from Las Vegas. This may be a good thing, if after all Sugar is missing and one of her friends is on Sally Jesse Raphael attempting to locate her. But if she’s not missing, than a woman looking for the history of sugar may just find the resume of one, Sugar Johnson, for whom only $25.00 will get you a private dance on a leather couch in some darkened room designated for such activities. At least this is what I’ve heard. I don’t really go to strip clubs, despite what you might hear from my friends, neighbors and fellow comedians.

Another device that’s trying to be implemented into public terminals is a filter, which filters adult words out, such as breast, penis, etc., so adult sites won’t be accessible. But the problem here is entering a word like breast cancer would limit a person’s research because breast is considered a naughty word, to a filter at least. And not to KFC.

Public Internet terminals are what people tend to be concerned about. Because they’re usually found in schools and libraries. To me, it doesn’t seem to be a problem, because so far I haven’t heard of any reports of a grade school student holding his class hostage with an adult attachment or a dildo. The thing about dildos is they’re shaped like nobody’s penis. Some look like a cactus, others a cork screw. I even saw one that looked like a Swiss army knife. You were able to pull out a pair of scissors from it, I swear.

Of course, the individual to thank for all these public terminals is Bill Gates, who strives to have every person in the world be able to log onto the Internet and, you guessed it, look at pornography. On a side note, maybe guns and ammo related searches should be filtered from public computers, with all the school shootings going on.

As for myself, as I’m on the Internet looking at porn, I find myself downloading pictures like I’m trying to get valuable information from a spy’s hard drive. Twenty a second it seems. For effect, I would yell, “C’mon! Hurry up. He’s coming.” In the years I’ve been surfing the net, I’ve accumulated an enormous library of pornography pictures. In fact, I have so much porn on my computer, my laptop took top honors at the AVN awards. I was also named the best for being the king of the right click, save, a title in which I still hold today.

So what I believe should occur with all the pornography available on the Internet is, everybody who locates pictures that I do not have, please forward them to me. Therefore, I will be able to expand my library, just in case the government does take action on porn on the Internet. And don’t worry, I’ll be sure to thank each and every one of you at next year’s award ceremony.

About Jason Tanamor (44 Posts from 2001 - 2003)
The writings of Jason Tanamor display obvious influence from many very different stylings, all the way from the wackiness and off-the-wall concepts of Dave Barry to the detailed analysis of a young and hip Jerry Seinfeld.