I Want to be a ROCK STAR! When I Grow Up
The bright lights, the money, the groupies. Three attributes that define rock stardom. This is a very common dream for youngsters. And I’m no exception. When I was 8 years old, aside from wanting to go into show business, I wanted to be a rock star. But not just a rock star, a ROCK STAR!
I wanted to experience the life of partying, living in a tour bus, and most of all, signing that once in a lifetime record deal. But how would I make that happen? I know, play the guitar. So that’s what I did.
At the age of 10, my parents bought me my very first electric guitar. It was a beginner’s guitar, but hell, it was mine. It signified that first step to gaining the fame and fortune I so often desired. It was red and white and when plugged into my small, but trusty amplifier, was loud and twangy, just like today’s typical white trash woman, such as Tonya Harding and Anna Nicole Smith.
I had no idea how to play this thing and I didn’t care. Because when plugged into the little box that read ‘amp,’ along with a boost of distortion, the powerful chords jumped out of the speaker and into the air. “Music,” I thought to myself.
For the next two years, I went on to act like I could play guitar. I carried it around in my hard shelled case, hoping for one moment the cutest girl in the seventh grade would see me. She never did.
But then one day, out of the blue (because blue seems to be the adopted color for surprises), she approached me and asked me to play her a song. I freaked out, knowing that if she knew my real secret of not being able to play, the word would hit the rest of the class in record time (about 54 minutes if you include at least 12 songs).
So I did what any other child who was in love with the cutest girl in the seventh grade would do, I ran the other way.
I never got that girl, nor did I get any other girl in the seventh grade. Because the word did get out in record time (about 54 minutes if you include at least 12 songs).
The only thing I could do was redeem myself somehow, and vow to the Eddie Van Halen poster that was on my wall, held up by masking tape, that if up long enough would droop down like an 85 year old woman’s breasts, that I would someday be a ROCK STAR! So I took lessons. For five years.
Then when I turned 17, I joined a band. We played really bad songs, mostly by Nirvana. But hey, chicks dug us, including that girl who was the cutest girl in the seventh grade. We went on to play school dances, as well as the occasional birthday party. It was everything I imagined it to be, minus the money, the tour bus, and the record deal.
After high school graduation, we (the four band members) all went our separate ways. The dream died. I had to go to my back up plan, comedy. Of course, many people who heard us play music believed I was in comedy all along. After all, we did play Nirvana songs.
I went nearly four years without touching an instrument, a musical one that is. That was until I got the urge, Herbal Essences shampoo. It does wonders for your hair.
Another year went by and I decided to purchase a guitar and amp. Believe it or not, it was like riding a bicycle… too bad I don’t know how to ride a bicycle so it was like learning all over again. But the difference this time was determination. I was going to fulfill my initial dream, becoming a ROCK STAR!
It took only one year to get myself up to speed, and an additional year to improve threefold.
I assembled the greatest band since Aerosmith on drugs. We played and played. And then it happened.
Last month, I got the much anticipated news I was looking for. “Dear Jason, I just want you to know that you’re NOT the father.” Phew!
The next day, unexpectedly, it happened. The dream came true. In my face stood a record deal. I read the long list of terms and conditions, looking for any loopholes.
I asked for advice from those who have experience in this matter. To my surprise, there were many.
After long talks and heavy thinking, I ended up not signing the record deal. To me, even though 12 CDs for a penny was appealing, I didn’t want to purchase six more CDs at regular price over the next 2 years.
And you know what, I’m happy with my decision to not sign that record deal.
