Humor Blog Highlights

I Hate Going Out to Stores

The only time I really go out is when I need something. And since I can’t cook, I find myself going out all the time.

But the problem is, my appetite for fast food is enormous. I can’t help it. I’d like to eat healthy, I try to eat healthy, but it’s just so easy to implement an ordering system that consists of just numbers, like a number one or something.

I love Long John Silver’s. However, I hate the drive thru there. So now I have a dilemma. I can either get out of my car and go in, or I can risk using the drive thru. Of course I choose the latter. How can I not? It’s right there.

The last two times I drove thru, I noticed the sign in big letters. CONDIMENTS UPON REQUEST. Okay, I just have to remember to tell them at the window that I want tartar sauce and ketchup. The last two occasions though, this is not necessary.

As I finish ordering, the drive thru operator asks, “Would you like some tartar sauce, shrimp sauce or ketchup?” I reply yes, to all three. Since this question is asked to me on both occasions, I figure I don’t need to bother telling them at the window that I would like condiments. So I don’t.

When my order arrives, I drive home. Unbeknownst to me, when I check my order, there is no tartar sauce, no shrimp sauce and no ketchup. This happened both times.

The second time I’m upset. The first time, yeah that was an honest mistake. But this time, no. I eat my meal with no sauce. It was very dry.

After the meal, I write a letter to the corporate office displaying my displeasure with this certain franchise. I tell them the basics, I’m never eating there again, they’re unprofessional, I’m going to go out and sleep with the manager’s wife, you know the basics.

After about two weeks, I receive a letter in the mail from the corporate headquarters. Enclosed in the envelope is a standard form letter with a stamped signature. It reads, “Dear Friend, we are sorry for your bad experience at one of our establishments. Here at LJS, we strive to be the very best. We would like to thank you for bringing this matter to our attention, so we may be able to improve ourself so this won’t happen in the future. As a token of our appreciation for being a dedicated customer, we have enclosed gift certificates that may be used at any of our many LJS locations.

Sincerely, (and then a stamped signature of a person who may or may not exist).” This letter seemed to calm my feelings about Long John Silver’s. I grab the envelope to collect my free meals, and wouldn’t you believe it, they forgot to include the certificates.

I’m thinking about writing another letter, but I don’t know where to send it.

Another time I find myself out is when something breaks electronically. Electronic manufactures seem to know the exact moment when their equipment breaks. The moment adopted in the industry is the day after your warranty expires.

Just the other day the knob fell off my home stereo unit. It lived a great life. But one day, the knob just fell off.

I looked in the yellow pages for the one place that might have the piece I was looking for, and Radio Shack came into view. “Radio Shack,” I told myself. They have every little accessory known to man.

I bring my little knob to Radio Shack and the clerk is eager to help me. I hold up my knob and say, “I need one of these.”

“We don’t have one of those, but we have one of these,” he replies.

What I’ve noticed is Radio Shack has a bunch of stuff nobody needs. Some of it is even unidentifiable.

“I don’t need one of those, I need one of these,” I return.

“I don’t even know what that is.”

“This,” I say.

“I’ll have to call another store.” This is their defense for everything. “I’ll have to call another store.” So I wait, listening in on his conversation.

“Hi, it’s Steve from store 12, do you have one of these things?” Silence. “Oh you don’t? Thanks for checking. I’ll just sell him something we have in the store.”

This information disappoints me because I always end up buying an adapter for equipment I didn’t even know existed. In my apartment you’ll find so many adapters and gadgets, I might as well put a sign up outside that reads, ‘Radio Shack.’ This, I believe, is how so many Radio Shack stores appear in neighborhoods across the country.

About Jason Tanamor (44 Posts from 2001 - 2003)
The writings of Jason Tanamor display obvious influence from many very different stylings, all the way from the wackiness and off-the-wall concepts of Dave Barry to the detailed analysis of a young and hip Jerry Seinfeld.