Humor Blog Highlights

Forget Calgon…CHOCOLATE Take Me Away!

Here we are once again, staring down the bow and arrow of yet another Valentine’s Day. And the big question emerges as it always does, What to get Mom this year? Simple on the surface, but when it comes to me, even Cupid shies away for fear of shooting himself in the foot.

I admit it, I am not the easiest person to shop for. Since the age of four when I lambasted my mother for buying me the 24 count box of Crayolas instead of the designer, neon, 64 count with built in sharpener, shopping for me has been a challenge. As I grew, I made holiday shopping easier for my loved ones by providing them with not only a detailed description of my desires, but the store address where they could be purchased and the SKU number on the price tag. And while it did not allow for many surprises — wait, there was that year when they gave me a Gift Certificate for Gas Struts for my car — it did insure both a happy giver and a satisfied receiver.

When it comes to Valentine’s Day, I have probably been the hardest person to shop for…until this year that is. This year I know exactly what I want. Flowers? Candy? Jewelry? Not even close. Flowers die within a week. I’d rather receive a bouquet of dollar bills. Heart shaped boxes of candy always contain at least twenty pieces I squish open in search of caramel, only to be disappointed by nondescript nougat. And jewelry? Sorry, but that diamond tiara just doesn’t go with my Mommy wardrobe of sweatpants and that Hope diamond necklace would just get in the way when I wash the dishes.

No, this year I want the pinnacle of pampering. This year I want the mother of all indulgences. This year I want to boldly go where no man in his right mind would want to go. This year I want a trip to the new Chocolate Spa in Hershey, Pennsylvania!

If you have not heard about this place, pull up a Reese’s Cup and I’ll fill you in. Nestled, no, not Nestle’d, nestled in the hills of Pennsylvania is the town of Hershey. Birthplace of a chocolate conglomerate and home of a glorious lodge and entertainment mecca, they have now pushed the boundaries of cocoa. A complete Spa dedicated to the aromas, the sensual pleasures and believe it or not, the therapeutic benefits of chocolate.

Therapeutic? Yes, we all know how therapeutic a handful of Kisses can be in the midst of a PMS meltdown, but did you know that soaking in a Whipped Chocolate Bath can moisturize your skin and relieve stress? What about a Chocolate Fondue Wrap to release toxins or Chocolate Mud Hydrotherapy to stimulate and rejuvenate? Personally, I can think of nothing more decadent or divine than being slathered with chocolate mud, wrapped in silver foil and left to melt like a Kiss in the sunshine. Well, maybe a glass of cold milk and a straw…you know how chocolate makes you crave milk.

Ever since hearing about this spa I have fantasized about being a human chocolate chip. Daydreamed that I’m a marshmallow floating in a sea of hot chocolate. Envisioned myself a caramel encased in a fondue wrap. In the grocery store I actually reached out and feeling a special kinship, stroked a Kit Kat bar.

Do I think I will actually receive this incredible gift for Valentine’s Day? Of course not. Aside from being incredibly expensive, there is no way my three children will ever allow me to be surrounded by an abundance of cocoa products without their intense participation. No, this Valentine’s I shall once again make do with the homemade cards, grocery store roses and requisite Whitman’s sampler. But when they are all tucked into bed and my darling husband is watching yet another basketball game, I shall lock myself in my bathroom, fill the tub with hot water and dump in a canister of Swiss Miss Instant Cocoa.

Heck, I may even treat myself and get the kind with those dehydrated mini-marshmallows. After all, it is Valentine’s Day.

About Linda Sharp (18 Posts from 2002 - 2003)
Warm, witty and just a wee bit warped, Linda Sharp is the internationally recognized author of Stretchmarks On My Sanity and Femail: A Comic Collision In Cyberspace.