Humor Blog Highlights

A “Stimulating” Study

I clearly remember reading the 1999 findings of the study regarding women and sex. It stated that over 43% of we “X” bearers suffer from some form of sexual dysfunction. It went on to include politically correct wordings alluding to that popular 1800’s term “frigid,” tastefully termed medical lingo for lack of orgasms, and perfectly poetic prose for discomfort and dryness during the act.

43% of us! Cold, nonclimactic and chafing.

When I read the results, there was only one word that came to mind. Actually, me being me, it came to mouth, and tumbled out quite loudly: HORSESHIT.

Pardon the language, but when my entire gender is being wrongly maligned, I tend to take it personally and verbally.

Sure, there is a certain percentage of the female population who owe their sexual unhappiness to actual physiological conditions: vaginal dryness, depression, menopause, etc. But for the rest of that 43%, and to a larger extent, many of the women in the remaining 56%, the cause is plain, simple and contains only three letters: M-A-N.

I have participated in enough impromptu discussions with friends to know that if there is unhappiness in the sexual arena of the relationship, it comes (pardon the pun) down to male ignorance and ego.

The ignorance factor is simple and almost forgivable. No one hands a young man a manual on making love with a woman. Most of what a 20 year old male knows, he has culled from stag films, Playboy and equally ignorant friends. Basically, “Get erection, have sex, woman is elated, man goes to sleep.” And you know what? That works for the male part of the equation. I’m not saying there aren’t some artistic nuances that can enhance it for a man, but arousal, act and climax are pretty basic for a guy.

Let’s see how that factors into those findings in 1999. “Frigid”: I can tell you that any man is going to get a cold reception if the emotional part of the puzzle is not intact for a woman. We need to feel connected, wanted, desired, romanced. If a woman has been struggling with three children, a household and a dog with diarrhea all day, sex is not exactly at the top of her To Do List. If there has been a fight, we do not consider sex a band-aid as do men. The rift needs repaired, closeness resumes, then we feel ready to get naked. So if a woman isn’t wanting her man? That man had better take a closer look at the emotional landscape surrounding him.

Lack of orgasm: Julia Roberts said it best to Dennis Quaid in Something To Talk About, “I have orgasms everyday. I’ve just gotten used to having them when you’re not in the room!” We women are amazing creatures, gentlemen. We can have more of them and more often than you! But without a partner who cares enough to excite us and find out what excites us, the chances of us having an orgasm like you’ve seen in those stellar porn movies is about as likely as youactually appearing in a porn movie. The majority of our stimulation happens on the outside, not the inside. So a man can be sporting a summer sausage and still leave us unfulfilled, or a guy can be the owner of a gherkin and send us to the moon with hands, lips, etc.

And while we are talking about excitement, that leads us right into “vaginal dryness, discomfort.” That wonderful wetness that makes it better for both of you? It cannot happen without some foreplay, kissing, touching, AROUSAL, or a tube of Astroglide. (Not that the two are mutually exclusive.) The bottom line is this: If we are not aroused, we are not ready. Simple.

Now, while I heap most of this at the naked feet of the males in society, I am also aware that women are guilty of perpetuating the cycle of sexual frustration. If we would only open our mouths more (get your mind out of the gutter for a moment, please), ask for what we want and teach our partner how to make us feel great, that 43% would drop dramatically. In fact, we would all be so busy having great sex, there would be no one to talk to for another study!

Sadly, women are still caught in a web of protecting the male ego from all harm. Granted we all are at our most vulnerable when we are buck naked with another person, but there is nothing to be gained from faking an orgasm, ladies. It only makes your man think he has done something right, and men being men, they will follow that pattern again and again because they are under the impression it works. So stop waiting for your Oscar and open your mouth. (You may now reenter the gutter.)

Again, I knew all this back in 1999. Heck, we females knew this back in 1899. However, it is always nice to see your knowledge validated, as it was today when a new Kinsey report came out and stated, “…the best predictors of a woman’s sexual satisfaction are her general emotional well-being and her emotional relationship with her partner.”

And that percentage? Dropped to below 25%, the majority suffering from medically treatable dysfunction issues.

Oh, how exciting it is to be right. Make that a BIG OH!

About Linda Sharp (18 Posts from 2002 - 2003)
Warm, witty and just a wee bit warped, Linda Sharp is the internationally recognized author of Stretchmarks On My Sanity and Femail: A Comic Collision In Cyberspace.