Lets take a glance at two surprising and seemingly unrelated stories in the news.  I often find this an illuminating activity and it beats the crap out of actually coming up with an idea for a column. I’m kidding of course.  I’ve had worse writers block than this lots of times.  Of course, those times were generally accompanied by Nurses, bed sores and the quirky ambiance of long term head trauma rehab.

First, Disney (parent companym of ABC) is buying the Fox Family Channel, previously owned by Pat Robertson’s Christian Broadcasting Company.  Fox had agreed to continue broadcasting Robertson’s ‘700 club’, and one wonders if Disney is obligated to follow through on this promise.  Ironic if so. Robertson and Disney have been openly feuding since 1992 when Disney opened it’s fourth hub at Disneyworld, Touchstone Island. ‘700 Club’ viewers were urged to Boycott the new theme park, in particular the ‘Pretty Woman’ inspired “Bathtub o’ Whores Tube Ride Adventure!”

Meanwhile in a surprising about face for both leaders, Vladimir Putin signaled willingness to change the terms of the 1972 Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty if the United States was willing to combine this with reduction of strategic weapons on both sides.  At a joint press conference, President Bush responded; “What? I’m sorry, I was miles away... Sure, sure, why not?  Seems like a nice guy,” as Secret Service Agents tackled and detained an enraged Condoleeza Rice.

At first glance, these two news items seem to have little or nothing in common.  Close analysis, however, reveals two important and perhaps alarming common threads; First, we have entered into a historical period where Orwellian reversals of previously entrenched positions are so commonplace as to be no longer worthy of note, and second, I am almost as out of ideas as the time I turned in my classic essay “Important and Alarming commonalties shared by Writer’s Block and Head Trauma”

Disney and Fox cutting a mutually agreeable deal is not unlike Russia and the USA finding common ground.  Neither was expected and even without knowing the details you can be fairly sure the end result will be good for the deal makers and bad for the rest of us.  Sure, it’s a bit of a stretch to draw a correlation between, on the one hand, a decrease in the amount of palatable television programming, and on the other, an unpredictable destabilization of a decades old balance of power almost certainly leading directly to the extinction of all life as we know it.  On the other hand, if I reliably came up with keener observations, powerful Washington Think Tanks would be beating down my door and you’d be staring at a blank computer screen while I sucked a Mint Julep by the pool with Norm Ornstein and Cap Weinberger.  And yes, I know that’s three hands.

So. As of yet, Disney says it’s far too early to speculate on exactly what programming the new ABC Family Channel will offer, although rebroadcasting old ABC fair seems likely.  Ironic then, that Bush says while it is far too early to speculate, he thinks the Spiderman Movie will ‘Totally rock”.  (Press secretary Ari Fleischer later clarified, saying “The President’s statement should not be seen as an endorsement of or belief in the existence of Spiderman, who obviously operates outside the law.)

Even more ironic, consider the possibility that the new doctrine of cooperation between Russia and The USA regarding restructuring of the ABM treaty and concomitant reductions in both country’s nuclear arsenals was formulated and proposed by a man who does not in fact, exist?  It is widely held in certain circles that ‘Vladimir Putin’ is not actually the Leader of Russia, but an American robot created and controlled by Disney Imagineers and foisted on a gullible American public in much the same way the Magic Kingdom / Kennedy administration concocted it’s so called ‘moon landing.'  Yet Ironicer still, ‘Donald Rumsfield’, supposed ‘Architect’ of the current Republican ‘missile shield’ ‘scheme’ was recently revealed to be a complicated puppet designed and operated by Neil Corbould, special effects supervisor on "X-Men; The Movie", a Fox Studios film. Fox. Fox. Ring any bells?  Say, aren’t they the studio getting free Dumbo Rides from the Money Boys over at... DISNEY?

And Ironicest of all?  When all is said and done, when all the new ‘treaties’ are signed and all the ‘multi national content corporations’ have merged into a single, unimaginably ugly, mind controlling beast determining what you watch, what you believe, who you vote for... do you know what you and I will end up with?  A great big bag of Jack, my friend.  And not the good kind.

Unless Disney ofers me a job.  In which case, screw you guys.

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