The other day, as I drove on the highway, a bumper sticker on a sports car caught my eye.  It read, "Honk if you want me."  I was about to honk, because if there's such a thing as love at first sight, this was it.  I wanted that good-looking car.

But then I realized that the sticker was for the driver, not the car.  And I couldn't help feeling a little angry.  Why didn't I think of bumper stickers when I was single?  Perhaps I could have found a wife sooner, instead of waiting until I was old enough to enjoy bingo.

All those years in college and I couldn't think of such a simple way to find a mate.  It's no wonder people say that the American education system is flawed.  Even in my advertising course, the professor never said a word about bumper stickers, at least not on the days I was awake.

For so many years, I wasted valuable space on my bumper.  I could have placed several stickers, side by side, with messages such as:

• If you're cute, I'm available.
• If I'm cute, you're drunk. Please pull over.
• Honk if you want me and you're a female.
• Honk if you have a job and no diseases.
• Single man on board, needs someone to nag him.
• Add some spice to your life.  Marry an Indian.

While it's too late for me to take advantage of bumper stickers -- except for one that says, "If you need directions, ask my wife!" - I'm encouraging all single people to consider bumper stickers and other kinds of ads.  Remember: Advertising isn't just for beer companies and politicians.

If you're reluctant to advertise, maybe that's because you believe in destiny.  You believe there's only one special person for you and you'll eventually run into that person, perhaps while visiting the grocery store, the post office or the local prison.  That's a nice thought, but what if that special person happens to live in Burundi?  And what if he or she has no intention of visiting your town?

If you want to be more certain of finding your mate, you need to take control of your destiny.  You need to spend some money and buy yourself a ticket to Burundi.

No, seriously, you need to think about advertising, whether you're a man or woman or both.  You can employ a variety of ads, depending on your time, budget and level of desperation.  Remember: Desperate situations call for desperate measures.

You can buy personal ads, matrimonial ads, patrimonial ads, television ads, billboard ads, Burundi ads, ads on cars, ads on buses, ads on Monica Lewinsky.  Yes, for $2 million, Monica will tattoo your phone number in a special place.  And for another twenty bucks, she'll let you see it.  Regularly.

Remember: Ads are just a way of meeting people.  You still have to filter out (reject, dump, ditch) the bad prospects, the ones who make your last blind date seem breathtaking.

Be very suspicious of a trucker who spots your bumper sticker, honks and shouts, "Hey babe!  What's your number?"  In such situations, it's always a good idea to flash a card that says, "Hey stud!  My number is 555-G-E-T-L-O-S-T!"

Printer-Friendly Version

E-Mail This to a Friend