I can swim.  Really, I can.  

I just choose not to.  I simply don’t like swimming very much.

I’m not saying you should never swim.  If you ever find yourself in really deep water with no means of flotation, swimming is definitely an option worth considering.  

My wife loves to swim.  She has spent a large amount of the summer in the YMCA pool.  She’s even teaching our kids to swim, which I think is great.  Meanwhile, I stay at home.   

Here are just a few of the reasons why I choose not to swim: 

Number one:  Lifeguards apparently have some new type of special CIA glasses they can wear to see when people relieve themselves in the pool.  Not that I would ever consider doing such a thing (ever!), but with all that cold water…accidents do happen, you know.   And what if the guy right next to you gets caught?   I really think ignorance is bliss in cases like that.   

Number two:  I am quite possibly the world’s palest man.  Look up “pasty”  in the dictionary, and you will see my picture.  And that’s referring to the parts of my person that are at least occasionally exposed to sunlight.   The various other parts, many clearly visible when wearing swimming trunks (I’m thinking “knees” here), go well beyond “pale”.  Nobody wants to see that. 

Number three:  Really “big-boned” women who like to wear cute little bathing suits that looked great on the size six model in the catalog.  Also, equally big-boned men who have discovered the joys of the speedo.  I’m not saying large people shouldn’t get to go swimming, just that they should be a little more considerate of others when picking out their swim attire.  

Number four:  Swimming often requires that you get wet.  I don’t especially like getting wet.  Yes, I do bathe regularly, but if there were a dry-clean option for people, I would definitely look into it.   And at least I can get my bath water nice and hot.  Pool water is kept at just above freezing, presumably to keep people from actually enjoying the swimming experience too much.    

Number five:  Those bizarre time-outs when the lifeguards make everyone get out of the pool and stand around shivering for ten minutes.  It’s strange how practical jokes can become actual rules over time.  I’m sure the swimming pool time-out started that way.  “Hey Earl, let’s blow this whistle and tell everyone to get out of the pool for ten minutes for no reason whatsoever.  It’ll be really funny!”  

Number six:  The dunkers.  These are the jokers who think it is really funny to come up behind you and push your head under the water.  Normally, this would be considered attempted murder, but in a swimming pool it’s just good clean fun.  There is also the closely related pantsers, who truly believe that the highest form of humor is to swim up to someone and pull their pants down.  Normally, I would agree, but being naked in really cold water can do serious permanent damage to a guy’s self-esteem, if you catch my drift. 

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