Humans acquire language slowly.  An infant babbles, experimenting with sounds and slowly learns words.  Two word constructs follow, simple sentences arise, "More book"  "No Eat!"  By five years, a basic grammar has been established.  The last and most difficult aspect of language acquisition?  Humor.  Sadly, often a sense of humor never develops.  Take a moment and use this little self-diagnostic tool.

Q: In the recent Weenie Awards sponsored by Just Laugh magazine, did I vote for Max Burbank?

If you answered yes, congratulations!  If No and I still won, I’m not honestly that interested in your linguistic development.  If No and I lost, just email me your name, address and the hours you are in your home alone.  I’ll see you get the help you need.

My oldest daughter, now six and starting first grade has entered into the early stages of humor acquisition.  She has an active interest in jokes and riddles and is beginning to be curious as to just what makes something funny.  Through a series of trial and error efforts aided in part by a severe schedule of punishment, she is starting to grasp that shrieking "GET IT?" does not automatically transform a sentence into a joke.

Yesterday evening she asked, "Daddy, why did the Cookie go to the Hospital?"  I replied I did not know.  "Because it felt crummy!" she shouted, grinning fetchingly.  I rewarded her with a smile and responded, "Why did the Oatmeal Cookie go to the Hospital?"  Puzzled, she allowed she had no idea.  "No Raisin!"  I triumphantly shot back, adding, "Why did the Brownie see a Urologist?  No NUTS!" which I’m not sure she followed.

She laughed all the same, but I made sure to laugh a lot louder, and slapped her on the back hard enough to knock her to the ground.  Why?  Because I’m funnier than she is.  She got her ‘joke’ off a Popsicle stick.  I made up my two on the spot.  Her memorized joke was mildly amusing when you take into account she is only six.  My handcrafted jokes are still making me chuckle now, although truthfully some of that laughter is due more to my victory than the inherent humor of my admittedly fabulous wordplay.

Perhaps you’ve seen Chimpanzees on television dressed as humans.  They often appear to grin and even laugh.  Ask Jane Goodall what the chimps are actually communicating by peeling back their lips, showing their teeth and barking and she’ll give this translation: "I hate you for what you have done to me.  Given any chance at all, no matter how slim, you will pay for this indignity with your life, Hu-Man."

A chimpanzee’s DNA is 95% indistinguishable from a Human’s (98.7% in the case of Willard Scott).  Why then does laughter connote such a different experience for our two species? Simple.  It doesn’t.  Laughter is a civilized form of aggression.  When I trumped my daughter’s joke, I was telling her, "I am Alpha here.  You will not take possession of the nest."  This is why, although our goals are the same, Slobodan Miloscievicz is on trial for Crimes Against Humanity while I am considered "A fun guy to have at a party as long as you monitor his liquor intake".

When a Stand Up Comedian has a lackluster set, he is said to have ‘died’ on stage.  If he does well, he ‘crushed’ or ‘killed.’  When Ray Romano was successful enough the first time he appeared on Letterman landed a series deal, he ‘Leapt into the audience and tore the throats from six grown men with his teeth, deep set eyes rolling madly in a war mask of human blood.’  Most of that was edited out before airing, but the point remains.

Of course, this is only a theory, and cannot explain entirely the many mysteries of Humor.  Why does one person respond well to a joke, while another is offended and another simply 'doesn’t get it?'  How did Carrot Top have an initial career, let alone a comeback?  Why, at 709 words, have I already become so void of ideas I resort to making fun of Carrot Top?  Why is making fun of Carrot Top, while admittedly pathetic, more socially acceptable than shoving a paraplegic out of a wheelchair, two actions with so much in common?  What is Gallagher, and what would it take to get him before the Tribunal at The Hague?  If Ghallagher and Carrot Top were forced to fight to the death with chain saws in a mud pit, wouldn’t that be aggressive but also pretty funny at the same time?  And if it was a pay-per-view event and the money went to Orphans, who could object?  These are questions only heavily funded research can answer, and I hear Johns Hopkins is in some fairly hot water these days, so don’t hold your breath.

See, that was funny, because Johns Hopkins University does a lot of government funded research.  And they’ve had to stop a whole big chunk of it on account of the medical school basically killing someone.  Which is not that funny if you are that person, or someone who cares about that person, or have even a shred of human decency.  The Oatmeal Cookie Joke, on the other hand, is not only a pun (Raisin, Reason) but also implies that for an Oatmeal cookie, having no Raisins is a medical condition.  Lucky it didn’t seek treatment at Johns Hopkins.  The Brownie follow up is flat out hysterical in that it has all the features of the Oatmeal Cookie joke while also featuring a reference to testicles.  So I guess I’m the Dominant Adult Male Silverback around here, especially since in this format, I don’t have to know or care anything about your reaction.  This may not be totally satisfying for me as a humorist, but it certainly beats the hell out of being dragged around the playground on my face or having to sneak out the back of a Comedy Club in Georgia because I accused a Drunken Heckler of having been the product of that beloved local pastime, incestuous coupling.

In the end, I can only leave you with the advice my Grandfather gave me on his deathbed, unless I made it up just now:

"Be glad you’re not a Chimp, but don’t totally give up on hitting folks in the head with a two-by-four, baseball bat or other handy blunt object.  It can come in handy, especially when some wise ass little punk like you thinks they're funny."

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