When it comes to making protests, I'm a wimp.  I'll sign a petition, I'll write a letter and I may even go on a march, waving a sign with an important message such as "Help fight world hunger" or "Save the whales" or "Don't experiment on innocent animals -- Experiment on Britney Spears."

But however worthy the cause, I'm not willing to harm myself in protest.  I refuse to chop off my fingers, toes or other parts, no matter how ugly they are.  I refuse to set myself on fire, not even in front of the fire station.  And I refuse to go on a hunger strike -- not because I can't do without food for several days, but because I can't do without food for several minutes.

It amazes me what people are willing to do to gain attention for their causes.  Some are extremely courageous, no doubt, while others are extremely confused.  It's hard to tell.

Twenty South Korean men, for example, chopped off their little fingers recently to protest Japanese textbooks that allegedly conceal Japan's atrocities during World War II.  The men planned to mail the severed fingers to the Japanese embassy, an effective but costly way for each of them to "give the Japanese the finger."

If you think that's bizarre, consider the case of Eduardo Veliz, a 36-year-old Peruvian laborer who recently chopped off one of his testicles in front of the parliament building to protest his low wages.  Yes, testicles.  When asked if Veliz had lost his mind, a Peruvian official said, "No, he
has lost something he uses more."

Perhaps you think that chopping off a testicle is an acceptable form of protest, because most men have one to spare.  But last year Veliz was willing to part with essential equipment: his penis.  To protest his inability to get a job, he chopped the poor thing right off, as though it was somehow responsible.

The penis was successfully reattached and Veliz got a job.  Apparently, chopping off your penis is more effective than filling job applications.  (Please don't try this at home!)

Who knows, if Veliz keeps cutting off body parts, maybe one day he'll become president of Peru.

I don't understand how someone can mutilate himself like that.  When I feel like inflicting pain on myself, I visit my dentist.  Or, if I want even more pain, I visit the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles).

Of course, some people go even further than Veliz: They set themselves on fire.  Self-immolation is a fairly common form of protest, particularly in the Eastern world, where penis-chopping hasn't caught on.

A man in Tamil Nadu, India, for example, recently set himself on fire to protest the arrest of the former chief minister.  What a way to die.  If I ever decide to kill myself, it wouldn't be for a politician.  Unless Meg Ryan runs for office.

Thankfully, self-immolation doesn't suit everyone.  The Rev.  Al Sharpton, while serving a prison sentence for trespassing on Navy property during a May 1 protest, went on a liquids-only hunger strike to protest his imprisonment.  The New York-based civil rights advocate lost more than 30 pounds and looks so good, many of his followers are eager to go on similar hunger-strike diets.  They just have to find something to protest.  Living in New York, that won't be a problem.

I'm sure millions of men would be willing to go on liquids-only hunger strikes -- as long as the liquid is beer. I wouldn't mind seeing more people on hunger strikes.  That would leave plenty of food for the people who really need it.

Like me.

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