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Volume 2, Issue 15  ~Your Source for Humor on the Internet ~   October 24, 2001

Max Burbank writes Internet comedy and is the director of The Other White Meat, a very nasty sketch comedy group performing in Boston and New York City.

By the time you read this, he'll be just about forty and he's still doing crappy little comedy like this. In addition to having a marriage and kids, he's also got a mortgage, job and he volunteers locally - that means he blends in and he could be right behind you, so watch out...
Check out the rest of Max's featured columns in...
Just Laugh's archives
Max's work can also be found at the following websites:
  Acid Logic
  Ape Culture
  Bully Magazine
  I-Mockery.com
For information on The Other White Meat's press and performance schedule, please visit:
ScottCon.com
Thirty Things to Do Instead of Worrying About Anthrax
by: Max Burbank

  1. Worry about Smallpox.
  2. Paint by numbers are nice. A lot of your larger craft stores still carry them.
  3. Treat yourself to something you haven’t had in a long time, like an entire bottle of Jack Daniel’s at one sitting.  
  4. Spend quality time with your children, teaching them about germ avoidance techniques pioneered by Howard Hughes. 
  5. The next really nice day, call in sick for work and take a nice long walk.  Isn’t it nice to be by yourself and just appreciate the blue sky, the flowers, the strangers, none of whom you know a single thing about?  Wouldn’t it be ironic if you actually got sick?
  6. Worry about Bubonic Plague.
  7. See how many words you can make using only letters found in the word ‘Anthrax’.
  8. Make a list of all the people you love. Take the top four off the list. Promise God that if he takes everyone else left on the list before you, you’ll start going to church again.
  9. Reminisce about the good old days when you worried about Mad Cow Disease.  Wasn’t that fun?
  10. Worry about West Nile Virus.
  11. If you live anywhere but a major city, think about just how far down a list of potential targets you are. Then worry that maybe that’s just what they want you to think.
  12. How many things in your house can you fit under? How many things at your office? Which has more? Which are more comfortable? 
  13. Is there an East Nile Virus? ‘Cause there could be.
  14. Play the ‘Who can I get to open my mail?’ game.
  15. Think of things you used to do before 9/11 and even if they seem pointless, do them.  Remember how you used to worry about Cancer?  That might still be fun.
  16. We all rely so much on sight. Close your eyes and inhale. How many different smells can you identify?  How many distinct things can you smell but not identify?  I mean, what does a pathogen smell like, exactly?
  17. Make a list of all the things you used to like to do that now seem completely joyless.  That should eat up a few hours.
  18. Make a list of things you still enjoy.
  19. Wonder if this second list means you are bad or just shallow.
  20. Worry about Anthrax. Because you’re going to anyway, so just do it and get it out of your system.  Now stop.
  21. I said stop.
  22. What are you going to make for dinner tonight? If you said Anthrax, you haven’t stopped yet.
  23. Pretend you are married to your favorite celebrity. Imagine a romantic, candle lit dinner with them.  Then ask yourself, how much do you really know about them?  Can you say for certain that they are not a deep cover terrorist?
  24. Go through the same steps as number 15, except this time with your actual spouse or significant other.  If you don’t have a spouse or significant other, think about how sad that is, now, with so little time left.
  25. You’re worrying about Anthrax aren’t you?  Go buy a introductory statistics book, read it and spend some time really thinking about how highly unlikely it is that you’ll ever be exposed to Anthrax.
  26. You know what the chances are you’ll be killed in an auto accident every time you get in your car to do some pointless errand?  %48, easy.  Sure, Anthrax is pretty terrifying, but a steering column through the chest is not exactly a day at the beach either, chumo!
  27. Worry about an invisible alien thing in your underwear drawer.  The next time you open that drawer, POW, it’s going to fly out and enter your body through your left ear, and you won’t even know.  You’ll feel a little tickling in your throat a few hours later and worry it’s Anthrax, but the truth is Anthrax would be a kindness compared to the unimaginable horror of the life force already gestating in your thorax, neuron-like tendrils already piercing your brainstem, weaving through your spinal cord.  How long can you go without changing your underwear?  HOW LONG!?
  28. Remember that list you made back in step 17?  You must really love those top four people. They’d be really valuable to God in a sort of Abraham and Isaac way, don’t you think?  I bet God would trade you a lot for them.
  29. ANTHRAX!!  ANTHRAX!!  OKAY?!  I SAID IT!  IS THAT BETTER NOW, TO SAY IT? WHAT IN THE WORLD MADE YOU THINK IT WOULD BE?
  30. Really let yourself go.  I mean, why not, right?  Have a race with yourself and see which comes first, the end of the world or live footage on the Maury Povitch show of EMT’s using the Jaws of Life and a Forklift to get you out of your Doublewide.



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