A Collaborative Attempt at Meshing Comedy and Horror by:
Kim Burke, Matt Danielsson, Matthew Gatesy, Elizabeth Hanes, Barry Smith and Scott Sevener

The ancient house had stood empty for years, ever since the quadruple axe murder.  The cultists moving in the year after never really did much for the property value either.  Reports of it being an ancient burial ground, though unsubstantiated, were another turn off.  Aside from that, its appearance wasn't all that pleasant.

Surrounded by a rusting and warped wrought-iron fence, the house's aesthetic quality downgraded even more quickly as you moved towards the front door.  The lawn consisted of weeds and scrub brush dotted sporadically with actual grass.  The numerous trees rooted about were barren goliaths reaching their scraggly hands towards the cloudy sky.  As one got close to the actual door, broken rocks, once a part of a walkway, littered the area.  The house itself once may have been a classical example of Victorian design.  How it appeared as a gray pile of peeling paint and warping timber.  It was unsightly.  It was unholy.  It was also Jared Holly's new home.

As Jared stared at the house, he began to feel it had been a mistake to buy the place sight-unseen.  The real estate ad had read, "Quaint, cozy Victorian on double lot with mature landscaping."  He thought he couldn't go wrong.

Still, perhaps the foreboding appearance of the house would keep people away, providing just what Jared's doctor had ordered -- peace, quiet, tranquility.  A chance for Jared to relax and continue his convalescence.  At the thought of this, he winced.  He knew it was nothing to be embarrassed about, but he couldn't quiet the memories of his terrible screaming, the panic rising in his belly and commanding his feet to flee, his mad scramble to find an exit -- any exit -- only to be caught and returned to the hideous confines he so desperately wanted to escape.  Jared's doctor assured him this was how everyone reacted to seeing "Glitter" on the big screen, but Jared felt sure he'd never, ever truly get over the horror of it.

He turned the rusty key in the rusty lock and went inside his new home.  Old furniture draped with canvas tarpaulins filled the front room, as if the place had simply been closed up for the summer.  Well, a summer 50 years ago.  Jared pulled the dusty tarp off a piano and plinked a couple of keys.  It needed tuning. Some people might have been put off by all the work that lay ahead to make this place livable, but Jared knew he'd finally found a way to put his lifetime subscription to "Martha Stewart Living" to good use.

It was getting late.  Jared wearily climbed the steps, hoping he'd find at least a useable bed.  He wasn't disappointed.  Flipping the mattress in the first bedroom he came to, Jared collapsed on it and fell soundly asleep.  At least, until the sound of piano music startled him awake in the darkness.

Stumbling half-blind in the darkness, it was hard to see where the piano music was coming from.  Jared spiraled closer and closer to the music until he found himself in the living room.

Jared couldn't believe his eyes.  He rubbed them once.  Twice.  Three times.  Oh my God!  It was Kim Burke.  She had three legs!  OK, one leg was seemingly strapped to her waist by a belt and just kind of dangled there but she had three legs alright!

"Hello Jared.  I am Three-Leg Wonder Ghost and these legs represent the ghosts of Halloween past, present and future."

Jared scratched his head as Three-Leg Wonder Ghost turned back to the piano and finished playing chopsticks with three fingers.

"What the hell kind of freak show is this and what the fuck is going on with your fucking legs?" Jared shouted.

"Well, Jar-Head, The left leg stands for, get it - stands for, Halloween past, the right leg stands for Halloween future and the middle leg, this big hangin' daddy of a leg right here," Kim said between three cigarettes she was smoking as she grabbed her third leg and swung it around in a circle, barely missing Jared's head, "This third leg represents what this year's Halloween has in store for you so sit down and listen up cuz I'll only say
this once."

"I'll only say this once.  You're going to be visited by three one-legged ghosts starting at midnight."

"Bu...but it's after mii..mi..midnight," Jared stammered.

"Whatever.  Thirty minutes after I leave then, smartass.  The first ghost who will visit you is Halloween past.  A kindly old gent.  He tries to resemble Sean Connery but it keeps coming out as Jiminy Glick.  Anyway, listen to him but whatever you do, don't feed him," Three-leg Wonder Ghost warned as she disappeared out of sight.

"Bu...but...Kim...uh...Three...uh...HEY!  Ghosts can't EAT!"

Jared sat down hard.  He sat, staring at the now vacant piano. He then sat staring at the large grandfather clock that sat directly across from him, watching and waiting for thirty minutes to pass.  After a bit of time had gone by, Jared realized that the hands on the grandfather clock were not moving.  "Of course," he said aloud.  "Who the hell would be around to wind it up after all these years."  Jared then sat and stared at his watch. According to his watch, he only had ten minutes left.  But Jared knew his watch was slow, so he knew he only had five to eight minutes left to wait.

After six minutes had passed, it finally dawned on Jared.  "What tha .  I don' t even want to see a ghost.  Why the HELL am I even waiting around here?" he said to no one in particular as he started to stand to leave.

"Why I believe you're waiting for me laddie."  A badly imitated Scottish accent came from behind him.