I.  Alarm goes off at 5:45

1. Oh, God. It’s pitch black out. Fall back asleep.
2. Notice the sun is coming up. Leap out of bed.
3. Trip over crap left on floor after you just promised last night to stop leaving crap on floor.  Fall, waking up wife and baby.
4. Give baby to wife.  Do not respond to crying or muttered curses.

1. Too late for shower. Take sponge bath.
2. Accidentally knock everything out of the medicine chest while attempting to get toothbrush.
3. Stare at self in medicine chest mirror having totally forgotten what if anything you were doing until you suddenly notice broad daylight out bathroom window.
4. Save valuable time by not lathering up before shaving.
5. Loose same amount of time applying tiny pieces of toilet paper to multiple cuts.

1. Accidentally wake wife and baby gain while getting clothes. 
2. Pretend not to take pleasure in telling wife it’s her turn to get up.

1. Make coffee while doing dishes you promised to do last night.
2. Make older child’s breakfast while cleaning the cat box like you said you’d do for the last three days OR forget to clean catbox while staring blankly into open refrigerator haven forgotten who you are.

1. Wake older daughter. Wake her again. Wake her again.
2. Carry semi-conscious older daughter to living room.
3. Bring breakfast and coffee to living room.
4. Stand in hallway imagining self calling in sick to work.

1. Crying.
2. Adult crying.
3. All requests for assistance.
4. Actual physical presence of baby.

VI.  Child ready for school, Self ready for work.

1. Child needs:
1. Clean clothes.
2. Brushed teeth and hair.
3. Unfindable shoes.
4. The other sock.
5. Jacket.
6. Backpack, which needs:
1. Folder
2. Lunch
3. Milk Money
4. To be on child’s back when child leaves house.
2. Self Needs:
1. Sleep.
2. Vacation.
3. Money.
4. Liquor.
5. Backpack, which needs:
1. Work related paper
2. 18 lbs. Of miscellaneous crap you have no idea how it got in there or in some cases what it is.
3. Some symbol, no matter how small or pathetic that once upon a time you thought life would be in some way different.
4. Snacks.

1. Take baby down to car. Strap her in.
2. Go back up stairs for:
1. Baby bag. Bring it down. Go back for:
2. Pacifier. Bring it down. Go back for:
3. Diapers baby rooted out of baby bag. Bring them down. Go back for:
4. Bank card. Bring it down. Go back for:
5. No reason. You can’t seem to stop.
3. Kiss wife and baby good bye. If asked about Sponge Bath vs. shower, get angry.
4. Stand in driveway after they pull out having forgotten you exist.

1. Notice older daughter has not put on socks or shoes.
2. Ask her to put on shoes OR skip to step F.
3. Help her align her socks so they don’t feel ‘funny’ OR skip to step F.
4. Crawl on belly to find missing shoe OR skip to step F.
5. Dig through geologic drift in Older Daughters room to find multiple missing items necessary for school OR skip to step F.
6. Scream.

1. Ask Older Daughter to go all the way down to sidewalk so you can lock all three doors. Ask again. Ask again. Ask again. 
2. Stand in darkened hallway having… having… 
3. Wonder how you got to Daughter’s school. Wasn’t she asking you something? Didn’t you answer her? Was it something to do with who’s picking her up? Who IS picking her up?

1. Wonder how you got halfway to train station.
2. Look at watch. Scream.
3. Run OR
4. Walk really fast, muttering viciously whole time about just what you’ll say if anyone asks you why you were late for work again OR
5. Stand on corner staring at sun until passerby or policeman asks you if anything is wrong.

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